It’s pronounced “Lie-berry”

22 Jun

I work for a public library in a big-ish midwestern town, this morning an article appeared in the newspaper because of an incident with a woman in her early 20s flashing her crotch at high school kids and trying to sell her tang-tang for moolah. Also she was drinking a forty of malt liquor which really classes up the story. By no means is this shocking, cray-cray shit like that happens all the time. It got me thinking about other weird occurrences in my house of knowledge and these are the ones that immediately popped into my head

Masturbating Fat Women: In a first floor restroom that is close to a circulation and information desk a 300+ lbs women was playing flick the bean with the stall door open so she could watch herself in the mirror. When asked to put her clothes on and come out of the bathroom she replied “What’s the big deal? I’m just watching myself.”

Young Lady, Old Dude: I am set upon by a terrified looking 16-year-old girl who notices my employee badge, she tells me there is a man and a woman together in a stall of the women’s bathroom. I react with very little shock and go to the reference desk and have them call security then warn the girl that this kind of thing isn’t uncommon and she should be careful in the library bathrooms. Turns out it was  14-year-old prostitute with a 45-year-old client.

Pantsless in the atrium: A man is caught mid muff-divin his lady friend in a stairwell. The pantsless girl flees with her junk out through the atrium into a bathroom (the same one used by the fattie masturbator) and when caught there tries to deny she wasn’t the lady from the stairwell. She still had no pants on during her vehement denial.

Loaded Gun: A condom full of man spunk is found underneath a computer terminal in a dept that has over 100 computer terminals that are mere inches from each other and are occupied non-stop from open to close. I applaud the amount of effort that went into pulling off this whack off.

The Case of the Missin Poo: In a less frequented area human feces is found. Three distinct logs of poop. The area is cordoned off and cleaning materials are retrieved. But when the scene of poopering is revisited there are only 2 logs. Dun dun dun.

8 Responses to “It’s pronounced “Lie-berry””

  1. idiotprufs June 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Was this a library / crack house?

    • P-Swayze is my copilot June 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

      It’s not official a crack house just full of crack heads…and meth heads…and drunks…and perverts……….

  2. msperfectpatty June 22, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

    At first after reading this post I really couldn”t believe that this stuff really goes on at the library but then after refllecting on my own trips to the local library I have to say I can see this stuff happening. There are always a lot of old people, homeless or jobless people there just bumming around. I almost hate to go, when I do go it’s only out of desperate boredom. It’s really sad to see that a place for learning and enjoyment has turned into something else.

    • P-Swayze is my copilot June 22, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

      These stories are a drop in the bucket of crazy shit I’ve seen in the 9 years I’ve worked at the library.

      The homeless patrons are generally well behaved, smelly but well-behaved. For them, the library is a necessary resource a place to stay warm or cold (depending on the weather), to use the bathroom, and to find entertainment. More than anything we have a problem with bored teens coming in to harass people, they are the worst.

  3. CatastroFUCK June 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    And here I was taking all of my lewd gestures and unhygienic prodding to parks and shopping malls, when I could have been spreading my debotcherous nature in the serene shelter of the public library. Oh sanctuary!!!!

    Lolzors to all the creepy crap you mentioned…people are just to distgusting

    • P-Swayze is my copilot June 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

      The Mall!!!! For shame!!!! Only uncreative perverts frequent the mall, I expect better of you.

      • CatastroFUCK June 29, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

        *sobbing* I know I know, *sniff* but it’s just so much easier than traveling down to the nearest orphanage *sniff* or Chuck-E-Cheese…and just where would I find a Horse-head mask in time !?!?!?!? Im so ashamed, why must I be so small minded…why? WWWHHahahaayyyyy?

  4. Ash October 30, 2012 at 9:04 am #

    lol. In our university library they actually posted on the wall: kindly refrain from masturbating in the bathroom!

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