Archive | March, 2012

Lies make baby Jesus cry….

31 Mar

Multipass....

I can remember the exact moment I figured out that when one of your girls asks you what you think of their new boyfriend or girlfriend they don’t want your honest opinion, they want you to validate how they already feel. If recollection serves me it was spring 1994, I was just shy of 15 and don’t think I had grown all the boob I was gonna grow. The last bit is not important to the story I just find it an odd notion that I once had smaller boobs.

My good friend had gotten back together with her ex who had broken up with her to “go out with” another girl and the other girl ended up cheating on him (hahahahaha). So it’s the first time I am meeting this guy who I have heard a lot about, suprisingly mostly good stuff.

Let’s just say I was less than impressed and I felt my friend was hotter and more interesting than this dude deserved, a feeling I would have many times over my life towards my girlfriends choice of boyfriends. To protect identities we will just refer to the couple as Lady and Duder. So Lady and I head to the kitchen for some snack food after I have met Duder for the first time. Lady says to me “So what do you thing?” , I say “I think you can do better.”

Then flames shoot out her nostrils and her eyes turn black as coal, her voice screams the howl of the banshee as she rips a leg from the nearest chairs to impale me with, this is the price I must pay for not see the arguable splendor of the Prince Charming she now has in her life. I am expendable, she will dispose of my wickedness and never think of me again, she will have no need to due to the bliss she will experience every moment she is with him…..

Alright, it was slightly these dramatic than that.  Only slightly.

Lady says in screeching high-pitched manner “Why does everyone keep saying that!!” And that is the moment I realized I made a terrible mistake by being honest. She kept talking, something about he makes her happy and people judging him harshly and what not. I didn’t catch most of the rest of the conversation because my brain was trying to work out how I got in trouble, cause I was definitely in trouble. 

And the then the lightbulb turned on, I was in trouble cause she was happy and I didn’t support that. And just as a man will learn at some point that there is nor right answer to the question “do I look fat” and feigning sleep is the best option, I learned to smile and be happy for your friend, no matter what. 

Ultimately it’s their life to be lived however they want but I can’t help but think that a little more honesty and a little less understanding could have helped all us ladies out in the course of our lives. Example, I wish someone would have had the guts to tell my ex was boring and selfish, that could have saved me loads of wasted time.  

Nugget of Awesomeness: This is a no-win situation so take the path of least trouble and say what they want to her about the man in their life. Sure he may be annoying, ugly, smelly, boring, nerdy, too old, too young, or whatevs but your friend is happy and the only thing the truth does is make her and you unhappy. Although I generally preach honesty, this is an exception. Lie and lie well. She’ll figure it out or she won’t but that’s her call, not yours.

DD free

30 Mar

I am a normal guy (very sane) with a great attitude. I am a white male, non-smoker, 28, 6’2″, 230lbs, 7.5″, cut, and std/dd free (uses condoms). I have a degree in engineering and a good job. I am open to try new things. I love doggie. My number is XXX-666-2351 if you want to call or text or email me at XOXOXOXOXO@gmail.com

Where to begin, where to begin??? If your major criteria to meet for “normal” is being sane then something is wrong. And WTF is very sane???. And, FYI, dudes who are completely normal and sane are boring, in life and in the sack. Can you say too much missionary???? So that first sentence should be replaced with- I’m boring and lame.

I see what you did after that, you just snuck your penis length in with the rest of the measurements so I had to do a double take, which I did. Not because of its size but cause it immediately struck me as a huge exaggeration. Wanna  know why??? Any man with a good size dick knows he doesn’t have to gloat about it in an email, doing that in an email is equivalent to wagging your dick in my face on first meeting me.

Bulletin points of other dumb shit

  • DD free means drug and disease free, you mean besides the STD you just mentioned you don’t have. Is this a way to say you don’t have fibromyalgia or yellow toes shit?
  • You like doggie? Like man-on-dog sex??? Are you a Santorum supporter?? If you love doggie-style, don’t be lazy write the whole thing. It’s not like this was a lengthy email that need to be pared down.
  • Desperate….what’s desperate you ask??? When you include your phone number and email to a complete stranger. It’s either desperate or you are trying to expedite the process of my abduction leading to any or all of  strangulation, mutilation, murder, & rape, cause you are a nutjob.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I don’t want to feel like I am looking through the saddest of all boyfriend catalogs when I get a message from a web-lothario. Not only is this message informative to the point of being sterile, the points of personal information are sooo stoopid you know the person is either lying or slow bus special. And your attempt at making things seksi failed like me is high school American History. But the best advice that can be gained from this message is that no lady wants to hear about your dick the first time you speak to her, period. It ain’t sexy, it’s gross. Probably, just like your wang

 

 

The hauntings of boyfriends past

22 Mar

Back story: I had a nightmarish dating/romantic/humping thing with a boy in my early twenties. Long story short, we fool around then try to date he fucks it up, I drop him. A year later all our mutual friends are telling me he talks about me all the time. I confront dude about this, we try to date, he stands me up for two dates, I hate him. Dude and I randomly run into each other at convenient store, I tell him there is zero chance we will ever be romantically involved again, he claims he’s a bad boyfriend and he didn’t date me cause he didn’t want to hurt me (somehow his retelling of this encounter involved me threatening to punch him, never happened). Six month later boy gets drunk and professes his undying love to me, I act like a bitch about it. This was at least 8 years ago.

Present time: I run into this ex-whatever-the-fuck-he-is (ex-bf seems too strong a title) at the grocery store. Obviously enough time has passed that I am not mad at him or anything but I still panic a little inside that he is going to make some kind of gross love admission and then I will be forced to take the only logical action in that situation, push him down and run.

We need to side note this story for a second so folks don’t think I’m overreacting here. I used to be cursed. I would date a guy and things would be going good then the guy would freak out and blow me off or get weird or both. The always brief entanglement would end but then 6-12 months later the guy would decide he’d made a mistake and either pursue me again or just admit to regretting fucking shit up with me. I have had middle of the night phone calls, more than one drunken admission of love (with and without tears) and many awkward public conversations involving the words “I really regret fucking shit up with you” or “you are one of my biggest regrets.”This was highly annoying, more so after I made the terrible decision to give some of the dudes a second chance. So I fear seeing ex’s for a whole different reason than most people, for me there is a high probability of some regretful admission followed by me dropping the Never-gonna-happen Bomb on them.

Back to current-ish events. So I have the slightly awkward grocery store encounter with my past….let’s call him my past romantic terroriser, I like that. And I get my shit, pay for it and leave. Donzo? Not quite. Two days later I have a dream, in the dream I am fighting with what appears to be all of my shitty exs morphed into one body to form the most ultimate shittiest of ex- whatevers. And for some reason it/them reminded me of Ethan Hawke circa Reality Bites which totally didn’t help the dream because I always thought Ethan looked so bad in that movie but I pretended to have girl boners for him cause everyone else thought he was soooooo hooootttttt. So Ultimate Shitty Boyfriend is being, well, shitty and I’m giving this dream version of all my rejected dudes the riot act about being stupid and uncommunicative and blah, blah, blah. Basically, all the things I generally yell at dudes about and Ultimate Shitty Boyfriend is just taking it and staring blankly and I all can think “aren’t I suppose to be done with this?”

I wake up in bed with my boyfriend who is not a total douche (this is one of the highest compliments a man can get from me) and I am relieved that I was dreaming about being back in the cesspool of dating jerk-faces. I attempted to snuggle my BF in admiration of his non-douchey ways but the whole comforter had smooshed itself in between us and I couldn’t reach over it. Once again romance is thwarted by my laziness. Sigh.

Just seeing this old flame caused a nightmare about dating losers again, I think that official makes me damaged. But it also make me grateful to be dating an awesome dude who may still be somewhat uncommunicative but makes up for it with his pancake makin skills (not a euphemism). And in retrospect I wish my current dude could have been there at the store to use his 6+ ft. beefcake size to wordlessly scare the bejesus out of the ex and make him understand that any drunken phone calls would result in being smashy-smashied. Sometimes you just need a big strong man around to lay claim to you to fend off the weaker males. L’amour 🙂

Nugget of Awesomeness: A lady never forgets that time you drunkenly spewed the  L-bomb at her. NEVER. They also never forget how much of an asshole you were. Or how you said all those nice things in private but ignored them/acted like a fucktard to them in public. Or how they felt when you were mean or didn’t call or told them bullshit that wasn’t true just to make them feel better. We remember everything and women out live men so you are saddled with that for the rest of your life, barring some unforseen tragedy. Just remember that the next time your brain tells you to do something mega-dumb to a lady, she’ll never forget and she’ll tell all her friends.

This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it.

16 Mar

 

This is totally not related to the story but isn't this little guy adorable 🙂

This whole abortion/birth control clusterfuck of stupid going on right now has given way to conservatives dissing premarital, non-procreation sex as bad and detrimental to people and society. I have a one question for these turds “How the fuck would you know?”

Most of these men claim to be good religious folk that abstained from sexy time till their wedding night so how are they in a position to have an informed opinion about the sex of single people? Oh right, they aren’t.”

How about you speak about what you know and stop dippin in my cool-aide.

You wanna know what non-married, non-procreation sex is like, it hot and great!!!! I do it as much as possible and feel nothing but glee to know I am not producing any offspring from my bedroom adventures. I feel no shame,  it is not hurting me or my partner or any of our neighbors, and it does not affect any other aspect of my life negatively. So put that in your Hater-pipe and smoke it, loser!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: Single people sex is AWESOME and for those jerkface- know-nothings who want to hate on it, SUCK IT!!! If you have no experience with it you can have no opinion of it.

 

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