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Confession Goulash- Boobs Edition

16 Aug


I once competed for the title of Sausage Queen. My talent was shoving a beer in my cleavage, hands free pouring it into a glass and then chugging the beer. A female friend motor-boated my dewy, beer boobs as a finale. Some how I lost the competition. Humanity FAIL.


The interweb’s most perfect moment

1 Jun


This is totally a repost off my sister blog (and countless other breast and cat lovin blogs) but some things need to be widely shared. This is brilliant!!! Kudos to the maker/s for taking two of the most awesomest things ever and making them more awesomer. You are my hero/es.

I aspire…

1 Jul

I have a healthy love for my body so please don’t take my next comment as any indication of self loathing but I would give my left labia to have Christina Hendricks body(and hair color). I have never seen a picture of her that didn’t make me think “Damn! She is smokin hott.”

While I am sure bad pictures of her exist it’s most likely her proximity to her troll-ish husband that is throwing off her hotness. I secretly think he is a shape-shifting succubus who will try to slowly siphon off her hotness to fuel a time machine or some other crappy shit.

Anyhoo, I guess what I am trying to say is I have a lady crush on Christina.

But really, who doesn’t have a crush on her?????

For god’s sake, look at those funbags!!!!! They’re amazing!!!!

After School Special: St. P-Swayze Style

19 May

As my friend John always say, Facebook kills. That’s his way of pointing out that you have to be careful about what you say and who you friend on the FB. Recently I was friended by my ex-boyfriend from when I was 15, only at that age can you count a guy you dated for 2 1/2 weeks as a “boyfriend.” We’ll call this exbf, Duder. Sorry, I just couldn’t think of anything better.

Duder and I dated when I was 15 and still a virgin, I had decided to wait until I was 16 before I had sex because if you were mature enough to drive a car you were mature enough to have sex. Duder was not a virgin and didn’t seem to jazzed about waiting the 9 months I still had to go till my sweet sixteen. He was always trying to get me to sexual places I wasn’t comfortable with, which at the time, was anything more than make-out or over the shirt groping. We played the Hand-Job tug of war a lot, he would push my hand down, I would push it back up.

One of these Hand-Job tug of war sessions happened after we had been going out for 2 weeks and I was already thinking we weren’t going to work out. It was saturday night and we were in a friends basement drunk on 40s, everyone had coupled up for their make-out so me and Duder were sharing a bed on the floor with another couple. He begins the hand job attack by moving quickly to try and get my hands down his pants before I know what he’s done, this never works but he always tried it. We proceed with the tug of war for about 5 minutes when he looks at me and says in a very condescending, annoyed tone “I hope you’re worth the wait.”

That was the exact moment I decided I would be dumping him and it still tops the list of the most monumentally stoopid things a man has ever said to me. I have mentioned before how I hate, hate, hate to be pressure into anything, so this approached was doomed from the start. But this was the mid 90’s and sex ed was all about empowering girls to demand respect, especially about sexual decisions. Every article I ever read about sex told me that if he was pressuring you then he was a dick and you should break-up with him. Which is exactly what I did, 4 days later.

But the real thing that bothered me about the whole incident, is not so much that I wasn’t into him anymore or that he was pressuring me into sex or that he was the worst kisser in recorded history, it was the fact that this asshole had the nerve to get shitty with me about not wanting to give him a hand job in a roomful of drunken teenagers. For St. P-Swayzes Sake!! There was another couple literally inches away from us.

To recap: I was drunk on 40s, lying in a mattress on the floor with no sheets making out with my doucher boyfriend who was pressuring me even with another couple right next to us. Classy!! In this after school special the valuable lesson you learn is: Get drunk, don’t put out, then break-up with the dude days later, over the phone. I don’t know if that is the smartest move but it worked for me. You’re welcome.

Reaction to 40 oz of Cleavage

11 Apr


So as not to waste the greatest picture ever taken, my 40 oz. in the cleavage pic from last weeks post “Boobs and Booze”, I am using it as my profile pic on the dating sites. Seems that I am a popular girl all the sudden and the reaction has been hilarious. Below are just a sample of the messages I received since I introduced the web-lotharios to my mammary talents. Reminder: this pic is strictly boob area and does not include my face

  1. You had me at 40 oz beer and cleavage… my two favoritest things.  
  2. That picture is priceless // Apr 7, 2011 – 9:49am You seem like you are a blast. 
  3. Well shit, who can resist a girl with a 40 in her cleavage? Not this guy.
  4.  we should talk and have hot mindblowing sex!
  5. Can I get a drink lol
  6. Nice set of “coasters” for your beer!
  7. is that a 40oz of lazer malt liquer between your bossoms?? U r off da chain.
  8. I love to be that bottle!
  9. BOOBS FULL OF 40,s ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!! HAHAHA AWESOMW!! Where have you been all my life…
  10. nice drink lmao
  11. Thanks I wasnt thirsty until now!
  12. I can only imagine how many ER stories start with “so this chick needed to carry one 40 too many….”
  13. OH MY GOD.That pic is so sexy and funny…..i i i i i would like a drink. lmao man i love you.hahahaha.
  14.    that is the luckiest plastic bottle in the world,Whats your name?
  15. I think I need a beer!
  16. nice jug…. ha ha…. you seem cute and fun…
  17. Is that a 40oz tucked between your jugs?…. Wow! 
  18. Nice new pic. Is that A&W?

Nugget of Awesomeness: Ladies, the lesson to be learned here is that your face is irrelevant if you can hypnotize them with your breast. So find your boob talent and prepare yourself to be drownin in cock.

Boobs and Booze: Ode To My Amazing Mammaries

6 Apr

After writing the Boob Satelite post I realized that boobs are great and that greatness needs to be honored. To that end, this is the first installment of my Boob Series which will showcase the awesomely awesomeness of boobs, more specifically my boobs. Enjoy!

Take a gander at the amazing capacity for booze holding that my girls have, stick a straw in that and you don’t have to worry yourself with holding a beer all night. Your hands will be free to be used as props in you animated story telling. I know what your thinking “That is only helpful to you, how does that benefit society?” Glad you asked.

As you can see, they also function as a hands-free beer pourer, should you also have the need to have beer poured directly into you mouth that can be arranged as well (No pic for this one, seems no one wanted to be photographed being feed beer from my bosom)

The luscious mammaries are more than just baby-juice producing fun-bags they can be used in practical ways for boozey occasions. Bravo, Girls! Bravo!

If you have any ideas for the Boob Series please send them to me through the Submissions tab on the Main Page. Rules for Boob Talent Submission. 1. No nudity 2. Nothing dangerous or permanent 3. Not too time consuming or expensive 4. Nothing porno style.

Stayed tuned for the next installment which will bring you face to face with the…..Texas Bagel.

Boob Satelite

30 Mar

A recently single friend of mine wants to go out with me and go menz huntin and she remarked “you can bring the girls out to reel the guys in and then we can divvy them up.” In theory this is a good plan, in practice…not so much. Boobs will definitely attract the men folk but more often than not it attracts men of the lecherous and ugly variety. The degenerates are fearless when it comes to spittin game at a lady, they know they are ugly, they know that most likely you will run away screaming but they are used to it by now and they got nothin to lose. Nice, cool guys on the other hand don’t want to make a fool of themselves and so they are more cautious, just enjoying the view from afar.

This is one of the reason I think it’s funny when women say they wish they had big breast, it ain’t a fucking picnic. And it doesn’t make gettin dudes any easier, in reality it makes it harder. You have to rifle through and discard a lot more chestery losers to find the good guys. All that big boobs do is increase the amount of bullshit hollerin you get which is ultimately a waste of your time…and they make men think you are automatically slutty (I think we can thank porno for that one). As your cup size grows the presumption that you will give a blow job for no good reason or have the fuckey-time indiscriminately grows as well.

I totally love my boobs!!!! I am not speaking ill of them, I am speaking frankly about people’s reactions to them. Boobs are great, it’s people who effing suck.

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