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Confession Goulash- Boobs Edition

16 Aug

P4050185

I once competed for the title of Sausage Queen. My talent was shoving a beer in my cleavage, hands free pouring it into a glass and then chugging the beer. A female friend motor-boated my dewy, beer boobs as a finale. Some how I lost the competition. Humanity FAIL.

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Confession Ghoul-ashe #5

2 Aug

potatoheart

When I’m at a restaurant and get 2 sides with a dish I want to order french fries AND mashed potatoes but I don’t. I’m afraid people will judge my insane love of potatoes so I order green-beans or salad instead. 

Confession Goggly-goop #4

25 Jul

drew-care

I’ve had multiple sex dreams about Drew Carey. And not skinny Drew Carey, it was Fat Drew Carey. And not gross sex dreams like super hott sex dreams.

Confession Goulash #3

19 Jul

golf club

When I was a kid I ripped the roof of my mouth off with a broken golf club. You know all those bumps and ridges you have on the roof of you mouth?? I don’t have them.

Confession Goulash #2

18 Jul

download

I once had a lengthy conversation among friends about the difference between double stuff and double penetration. The answer…..

  • Double stuff = 2 dicks, 1 hole
  • Double penetration= 2 dicks, 2 holes

Confession Gulash #1

17 Jul

When I see a Book of the Month sign my inner monologues sings ♪ It’s the book of the month ♪ to the tune of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “First of the Month.”

Really?!?!?!?!?!

14 Sep

I am the second oldest of five kids (2 girls, 3boys, in that order) When we were kids we had an old ford station wagon that was the size of a freaking media room. Only with wheels and gross ashtrays that housed uneaten food (and at least once vomit) instead of cigarette butts. I could write a whole blog post on how I can’t even fathom trying to handle 5 kids in a car let only use that vehicle to take them places. But that’s not our story for today.

My memory remembers the day as a fall day. I feel like all players were wearing jackets. On this day mom packed us into the station wagon and we went to the mall which was kind of a special thing. The family went to a lot of discount stores but rarely the actual fancy-smancy mall. I’m sure all 5 kids were excited. I know I was, as a kid I loved the fountains in shopping malls but I was always seriously bummed that I couldn’t swim in them. Stupid rules.

So we did our thing at the mall and it was uneventful. We head to the wagon and I am strapped into the front seat with one of my brothers. Remember this was the 80s when you could strap (or not) you kids in the car anyway you damn well pleased. Once we are all secured in the car mom gets in. Right then a car comes down our row and notices we are leaving and stops to let us out. Problem is we are in a giant car and the driver intending to take our spot is leaving enough room for a ford escort to back out.

This dufus just sits there and so my mom can’t back out and this stalemate happens for at least long enough for the driver of the car parked next to us to return to their car. The neighboring car is blocked in by the Dufus mobile so he backs up for them to come out. The whole time my mom is just sitting there cause she can’t get out.

And then shit got weird. Dufus pulls his car in next to us, gets out and presses his middle finger wavin hand up against the passanger window of the car. I hear this thud and a middle finger is staring at me through the glass next to some d-bags scary anger face. REALLY?!?!?!?! What kind of asshole do you have to be to rage like that on station wagon full of kids?? Fine. He was pissed but it was his own damn fault and common decency should have prevented him from flippin the bird at confused children.

Now my mom is no delicate wallflower so she didn’t take that shit like a lady. Mom immediately backs out and rolls down her window and screams out at him. I can’t remember the exact quote but the gist was that he must have a small dick if he needs to accost a lady and her 5 kids to feel tough. ZING!!!!! Score 1 for mom on the badass parenting scoreboard.

And for anyone who may think my mom acted inappropriately…SUCK IT!!!! The world is full of jerks and you can’t ignore them all and you shouldn’t. Sometimes standing up for yourself means acting like a jerk. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Nugget of Awesomeness: People like Dufus really do exist in the world. That may make you sad but I find it comforting. No matter how shitty of a person I have ever been I have never terrorized a carload of children. Meaning I am a better person than at least a small portion of the population. Yay!!! But seriously people, try to let common decency have some sway in your life. And too that asshole who flipped us off, mom was right, your actions scream “small penis.” Think about that next time you go wavin around that middle finger.

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