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It’s pronounced “Lie-berry”

22 Jun

I work for a public library in a big-ish midwestern town, this morning an article appeared in the newspaper because of an incident with a woman in her early 20s flashing her crotch at high school kids and trying to sell her tang-tang for moolah. Also she was drinking a forty of malt liquor which really classes up the story. By no means is this shocking, cray-cray shit like that happens all the time. It got me thinking about other weird occurrences in my house of knowledge and these are the ones that immediately popped into my head

Masturbating Fat Women: In a first floor restroom that is close to a circulation and information desk a 300+ lbs women was playing flick the bean with the stall door open so she could watch herself in the mirror. When asked to put her clothes on and come out of the bathroom she replied “What’s the big deal? I’m just watching myself.”

Young Lady, Old Dude: I am set upon by a terrified looking 16-year-old girl who notices my employee badge, she tells me there is a man and a woman together in a stall of the women’s bathroom. I react with very little shock and go to the reference desk and have them call security then warn the girl that this kind of thing isn’t uncommon and she should be careful in the library bathrooms. Turns out it was  14-year-old prostitute with a 45-year-old client.

Pantsless in the atrium: A man is caught mid muff-divin his lady friend in a stairwell. The pantsless girl flees with her junk out through the atrium into a bathroom (the same one used by the fattie masturbator) and when caught there tries to deny she wasn’t the lady from the stairwell. She still had no pants on during her vehement denial.

Loaded Gun: A condom full of man spunk is found underneath a computer terminal in a dept that has over 100 computer terminals that are mere inches from each other and are occupied non-stop from open to close. I applaud the amount of effort that went into pulling off this whack off.

The Case of the Missin Poo: In a less frequented area human feces is found. Three distinct logs of poop. The area is cordoned off and cleaning materials are retrieved. But when the scene of poopering is revisited there are only 2 logs. Dun dun dun.

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Homemade Truck Nuts

25 May

A certainty in my life is that faced with a moron at the bar I will fuck with them. Partially out of meanness, partially out of curiosity. I like to see how far the stupidity extends, just how far I can take it.

A couple of years ago, in a now infamous case of me fucking with stupid, my friend received homemade truck nuts for her birthday. If you are unfamiliar with Truck Nuts here is a wonderful Wikipedia article for you. Basically, it is something you put on your truck to make it look like it has testicles. These particular homemade truck nuts were two apples in an old sock with a hole in it. Classy.

After pitchers of delicious margaritas a group of us descended on a local boozery and sat on the patio. The homemade trucks nuts got the attention of a young boozehound and fun ensued. I am hazy on the particulars and I encourage anyone who was there to comment on the things I missed. Here is what happened as I remember it.

Boozehound (who told us his name was Whitney) bit at the apples through the obvoiusly dirty sock thus proving to me that he was either a moron or very drunk, either way, he was a prime target for being fucked with. I tell Whitney he should teabag himself with the Truck nuts which he proceeds to do, thumping himself in the forehead with them. I can’t be sure of this but the teabagging seemed to go on for more time than it should have. Meaning he should have been hitting himself in the forehead with apples in a sock for no longer than 60seconds. My rough estimate For the time of these shenanigans is 20 min. 

Somewhere in this process I ran into the bar and hit my friend in the forehead with the truck nuts and tried hitting Whitney (on the butt I think) with them and broke a glass and spilled beer on myself. This may have ended the fiasco but I’m not sure.

Anyhoo, the real climax to this dance of the drunken buffoon is when I decided to up the danger level. Somewhere in the tragedy and legend making of the homemade truck nuts night I told whitney that if he was really serious he would hit himself in the face with the truck nuts till he bled. In my defense, I never thought he would do it. To my horror, he starts walloping himself in the face as hard as he could with the apple filled sock. It didn’t take long for me to tell him to stop because that kind of self brutality is only funny in theory, in reality its uncomfortable and kind of sad.

It seemed to me that things got awkward after that and Whitney parted from our group. Or we may have left to go watch the movie Up and eat pizza, who can be sure of these things. All I know is that for the next year if I went to that bar someone (either patron or employee) remember that night.  It’s not everyday you see a grown-ass man hitting himself as hard as he can in the face with a holey sock of apples. That will sear itself into your brain.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I can’t help it!!!! If you prove to me you are gullible and I am a little drunkie-poo then bad things will happen, on your end. I blame it on being an older sibling, I am preprogrammed to exploit weakness for my own sick pleasure. Regardless, if you are stupid enough to attempt to bloody your own face cause I ask you to then life is going to be hard for you all around. Best of luck, dummy.

One of two things

22 Feb

After 30, women can only have 2 pieces of big news, you’re pregnant or you’re getting hitched. Truth!!!!

A while back I sent an email to a friend and said I had some big news, but i didn’t specify that the news was I had gotten a promotion.  Her response was “Are you pregnant? Getting married?” I’d like to point out that at the time I was not seeing anyone so both of these scenarios were unlikely. I wanted to be insulted by my friends narrow definition of “big news” until I remember that when she called a year before and left a voicemail saying she wanted to talk to me person to person cause she had big news I immediately thought “well, she either preggers or engaged.”  She was preggers. Yes, I still use the word preggers, even in brain-to-me conversations.

I find this to be depressing, cause basically your choices as an adult of what to be excited about gets whittled down to two options. Those options maybe awesome but it’s still only TWO things and once they are done what the crap do you get to brag about?? Sure you could have more kids but time, money and need for sanity will ultimately prevent you from crankin out kids forever and then what the hell do you get.

I guess things associated with those two options get to be your “happy” moments: anniversaries, graduations, birthdays, holidays. But really that is a collective big deal, not a personal piece of awesomeness.

Anyone who knows me knows that I talked incessantly about my trip to Greece for the 8 months I spent planning it. Excessive? Absolutely. Anymore excessive than the amount of time spent talking about someone’s impending nuptials or progeny? Nope. I say this to make two points, first, just cause I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to obsess over my single shit as much as you do your baby/wedding brouhaha. Second, you can have exciting news that has nothing to do with anyone but you.

Nugget of Awesomeness: As always I’m advocating the rights of single people, in this instance I think we need to expand what constitutes “big news” for an adult to include the less traditional circumstances. But I’m also advocating that people in general get more to be excited about out of adulthood and hopefully more to look forward to. Marriage and babies are awesome but so is a lot of other shit and honestly, the whole Marriage/Baby combo has been done to death, perhaps it’s time to spice things up a little.

2011: Sayonara Sucker!!!!

30 Dec

New Years Eve is fast approaching, that arbitrary divider of time that makes one reflective on just what the hell they did in the last 12 months of their life. This year wasn’t the best and wasn’t the worst, I did some cool shit but way to many people close to me or my friends died and that seems to have muddied the waters of 2011’s awesomeness. And since it must be done, let me recap this last year for ya.

I went rafting for the first time in West Virginia on the Lower Gauley.We rocked some 3-4+ rapids, flipped the raft but then nailed the rapid affectionately know as “Hell Hole”. All in all, I kicked that rivers ass.

To start my decent in to catlady spinsterhood I got a rescue kitty who’s named Dorda after a Danish woman I met while in Greece. Sometime’s I sing her a song called Dorda Girl which is really just “Georgie Girl” by the Seekers with a name change.

My love of mud, pretending to jog and wearing capes came together brilliantly as I “ran” the Hell Run 5k, an obstacle course that covers you in mud but pays you back by giving you a medal and cape for finishing. Sexiest moment of my life: trying to wash the mud off my pants with the hose that didn’t have any pressure when held above my hips, end result being I had to squat, then rub and hose down my own ass in front of strangers.

Had sex in a tent for the first time. Glad it can be crossed off my sexual bucket list but I’m not a fan of having sex that everyone else can hear. Correction, I’m not a fan of having sex that I KNOW everyone else can hear, I like the fantasy of discretion that I have created in my head. Next on the list: sex in a car.

First spelunking adventure. After years and years of going to a caving festival I finally did a cave. I like to say I “did” it cause it sounds naughty. The adventure was surprisingly awesome and gave me a deep sense of accomplishment and well-earned exhaustion. You know what I’m talking bout, it’s the type of thing you do that afterwards you sit and chug a whole beer and know that you earned it more than you have ever earned a beer in you whole damn life.

Participated in my first Dance performance, one that could by no means be considered a recital. Months of practice with my volunteer dance troupe led to two dances in a public space with real people watching. I did good with the dancing (just have to remember to smile more), it’s the small costumes I was nervous about. I think my ass fell out but people were too polite to tell me.

On a sad note; both my grandparents died this year (I only had my dad’s parents). My grandma passed right after my birthday and my grandpa followed her a couple of months later and passed away just before xmas. It definitely brings the frowney face 😦 Smooches, Grandma and Grandpa, we miss you….I miss you.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I stopped making New Years resolutions a while ago because the only thing I am motivated to do in the winter is stuff food in my face. Now I just tell myself that I’m going to attempt to be more awesome this next year, any year that I am doing better, in more than half of my life, is a good year. To all my comrades out there I say “set attainable goals this year.” Don’t pretend you are going to give up smoking or being a fatty or your internet porn addiction or being a cutter on Jan. 1st like some bad habit stopping robot. Be realistic, just try to do better this year wherever you think you can. Smooches to you all, hoping your awesomeness is monumental is 2012.

Entitlement of the Crazies

23 Aug

I live in a an old Victorian house that has been turned into 3 apartments, there are two ladies in the other apts but we are out number by our animals. 4 cats, 1 dog, 3 humans. Recently, the lady on the second floor and I ( on the top floor) decided to get internet and split it. I had it installed in my apt and added wifi so she could get a signal for her laptop.

A little while ago the crazy on the first floor figured out what we had going on and wanted to get in on it. My first instinct was that this was a bad idea, drama seems to surround this woman and she enjoys creating it but I figured it was just a stupid internet bill split 3 ways so how could she really fuck that up.

Oh, how wrong I was.

The first time I send her a text asking for her part of the bill she says yes but that she needs a copy of the bill for a lawsuit she is involved in. Obviously, being that I’m not an idiot, I wanted more information about what was going on before I hand over a statement with my name on it to be used in any litigation. The gist is she is being sued for past medical bills and is keeping an expense report to prove she is unable to pay the bills.

I asked to talk about it later in person but she seemed insistent on working it out then and there, over text message, while I was at work. She sends me a message so big my phone had to break it up into 3 messages, “trying” to explain the situation. I put trying in quotes because she first explained to me what an expense report is like I was a child, then acted like the bill was so minor they wouldn’t care about it but it was vitally important that she include the bill, then threw in a sob story about how poor she it.

In essence, her approach to getting me to do this was condescend, bully, then cry. All tactics that have no effect on me especially when you are a crazy bitch.

Once I checked with the lady on the second floor that we could change the password for the wifi, I told crazypants that I was not comfortable with being involved and that I wanted her to provide her own internet and gave her till the end of the month before we changed the password. See how nice I was about it. But of course she had to take issue with something so she texted me that she didn’t like the characterisation that she was involving me in a lawsuit. 

Whatever, bitch. You’re still kicked off my internet.

Here’s the first part of the reason I kicked her off. I am not giving any piece of info with my name on it to anyone to use in a court battle that I have no need to be involved in. I’m selfish like that. But also smarter than that. That bill with my name on it could end up anywhere, I have no control over it once I give it to her and I am not taking any chances with my name or information. Plus, I don’t like her.

And the second part, when I am bullied into an immediate answer in these kinds of matters I will go with whatever is easiest and in my best interest. If we had talked about it there is a chance we might have figured out a way to do it but she wanted her answer right then. All I could think was “this is already more of a hassle than I want in order to save $5 a month on my internet.” My sympathies are always with myself.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Some people are jerks that generally get what they want by manipulating people’s emotions and you always need to stand up to them. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with and if you have the power to change it, then do it. Don’t be afraid of looking like an asshole, if it is in your best interest then you have nothing to feel bad about. Fuck ’em, you don’t need the haters anyways.

The Radio is reading my mind and other random stuff

10 Aug

A couple of weeks ago while walking to my car I ran into an old flame who I would still hump if current circumstances didn’t make it impossible. Afterwards I am getting into my car thinking what a shame it is that we can’t still bang and as I turn on the car “Damn, I wish I was your lover” comes on the radio. I busted out laughing. Touche, psychic radio, touche.

Still feeling giggly from the mind reading powers of the radio I stopped at the store and as I’m waiting in line this guy starts trying to hit on me. I live in college neighborhood so his approach is to ask if I’m doing an internship, I guess because I was dressed professionally for work. I tell him that I’m way past college and he goes “you can’t be that old.” Oh, so that’s his approach, the flatter a lady by telling her she looks young. Too bad I am fully aware that I do not look college age so I’m not impressed. With an emotionless voice I turn to him and say “I’ll be 32 at the end of the month” to which he replies “I’m still older than you. This exchange is getting lamer and lamer by the second.

Dude goes in for the kill and ask if I have a boyfriend which I absolutely hate,  like they have to make sure I’m not another mans property before they ask me out of something. Still being giggly and feeling mischievous I reply “Yes, I have a boyfriend, I have several of them.” Dude looks at me like I’m crazy and goes “That ain’t professional.” I seriously lost my shit and could not stop laughing. The cashier hands me my change and I just walked out laughing and saying “hilarious!!!” That was the most random answer I have ever heard and I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by it.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Thank you weird cosmic brain-fart that created that brilliantly absurd 15 min period of my life. Please feel free to let this happen more frequently in the future, I like a little bit of the unexpected in my life.

WTF happened to her face?!?!?!?

4 Aug

Choomp, choomp, bird/bratz monster love peanut butter.

For the love of all things holy like P-Swayze’s dancer mullet, what the fuck happened to Lil Kim’s face?

She’s always been a little bit “touched” but is she trying to kick Jocelyn Wildenstein off her Cat Lady Face throne??? It looks like a Bratz doll, a porcelain face mask, Micheal Jackson’s Thriller nose and ball of pink cotton candy formed and unholy union and create one freakish progeny to terrorize the universe.

Nugget of Awesomeness: This may be the beginning of the cyborg take over of earth. You have been warned.

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