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Doin it all wrong, all the time

29 Mar


Listening to music recently I heard a song that always sends me back to some contemplative, end-game times with my exbf. The song talks about a love the ends without a happy ending, a love that existed but then just fell apart. I remember listening to the song during the slow and stupid demise of my last relationship and thinking “is that us, are we just gonna stop, no happy ending?”

No freakin shit we were headed for break-up!! Our relationship sucked. And in the back of my mind I knew, just like a I always know, that is wasn’t gonna work. Which is why I think of coming to terms with a break-up not as realizing you shouldn’t be with a person but as accepting what you knew from the start. I can’t speak for anyone else but most of my relationships consisted of me ignoring all the wrongs to make it right…and to continue getting laid on a consistent basis. Lets not ignore this obvious fact of the massive amount of lies a  lady will tell herself  in order to justify banging that mean dude just because he gives the good dick. Truth!

But my biggest-est-est mistake of all, and by golly there were a lot of them, was letting my ex (lets call him “Sir Whines-a-lot”) judge me by the actions of his ex-gf. It’s sooooo mf-ing cliche but he had an ex that he was totally in love with who cheated on him and it ruined him. He also claimed that his friends and family never “had his back” (lies) and he didn’t know what it was like to really trust someone (more lies). I know, I know!!!! I realize how lame that shit is and I am ashamed of myself for not punching him in the face when I heard it. Cause punches to the face are a fix-all problem solver.

Instead I believed not that I could fix him but that he couldn’t ignore my awesomeness. He would have to except at some point that I was the bee’s knees and his faith in women and humanity would be restored. My girlfriend powers being of super hero proportions.

What actually happened was I was way too nice and accommodating and he took me for granted.  And once I became aware of what was happening it was too late to change it. The thing I didn’t factor in was that I was basically saying “sure, you can work your bullshit out on me.” Which doesn’t lead to someone having more respect for you it leads to them not giving a fuck about you. All I did was give him the free range to always believe he was more important. I was a girlfriend superstar but in his mind I was only breaking even cause I started with the shitty ex-girlfriend deficit.

And this is how it is always going to end in these types of situations. Contrary to  just about any romantic conflict you see on any tv/movie/commercial/what-not, there is no respect to be won by giving someone the freedom to be a dick to you. That’s is essentially what you do when you allow a boyfriend to work his past shit out on the present you. No one, be it boyfriend, best-friend  super-friend or family has the right to judge you by anything but your actions.

The funniest thing with Sir Whines-a-Lot was he ended up treating me exactly the way he hated being treated by everyone else. I could never count on him, he didn’t “have my back” and he was selfish and placed no value on what I wanted. Giving him the opportunity to “work his issues out” only allowed him to take out all his agnst on me. FOR SHIT I DIDN’T DO!!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: This falls into the don’t settle category of relationship advice. Don’t settle for a dude that isn’t judging you for you. We have all been threw some shit but at a certain point you need to get over it and act like a fucking adult. I’m not saying that you should demand that a dude treat you the way you deserve to be treat I’m saying you should EXPECT it. If you have to demand it then he’s not worth it. Don’t try to fix him or make him see the woman can be trusted. Ain’t gonna happen. Dump him and find a guy who can treat you right. When a relationship is good it feels easy. As always, keep on fuckin 😉


Where’s my second base??

20 Apr


Insert perverted tickle-me-elmo joke here.


Baseball metaphors are popular when dealing with sex, first and home are agreed upon, first base is kissing and home base is fuckey time. Some definitions say second base is under or over the shirt and third base is hands down the pants. Others consider second base to be groping of any sort and third base is sex of the oral variety. For the sake of my argument I will be using the first definition cause it supports what I’m going to say

 My question is….”Where’s my second base?” As a straight lady the chances I’m going to fondle some male tittay and get a positive response are slim. Don’t get me wrong, some dudes are totally into that but they are a small percentage and it’s not generally a good idea to pull that trick out to early.

But if you are just starting to get seksi with a boy you’re options, as a lady, to progress the situation are as follows. Kissing to wang touching. That is a giant leap to me. Boys get a nice middle ground with the boob grab but we have to go straight to the danger zone. Cause we all know that when junk is touched it creates a more critical sexual situation. And in my experience, once you grab wang sex is expected.

Sure they’ll say it’s cool if you decide you don’t want to or aren’t ready yet but in their mind they are thinking “Damn, why would you touch it if you weren’t ready to fuck.” True story.

And before anyone throws out oral sex as an option I’d like to point out that putting a weiner in my mouth is not the same as grabbin a boob. They are not the same level, sexually. And I like to not have my first encounter with a dudes spam javelin to be closely staring at its veiny underside. I’m prudish like that.

 I want something to do to a man that is the equivalent of playing with a ladies funbags. I want some sexual base indicator that lets a dude know I’m into him but he’s not getting the sexy-time but is also more than just making-out.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Per the usual, I want some more options. I ask a lot of the world in this blog but that’s cause I’m selfish. But really, is there some middle ground for ladies??? Is there something that men like that can come after kissing but before unzipping the pants??? I’m no prude but sometimes I want to slow it down a bit and feel like I have no options. Sometimes I’d like to leave the wang out of the equation……..hmmm, don’t see that working for the men folk.

This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it.

16 Mar


This is totally not related to the story but isn't this little guy adorable 🙂

This whole abortion/birth control clusterfuck of stupid going on right now has given way to conservatives dissing premarital, non-procreation sex as bad and detrimental to people and society. I have a one question for these turds “How the fuck would you know?”

Most of these men claim to be good religious folk that abstained from sexy time till their wedding night so how are they in a position to have an informed opinion about the sex of single people? Oh right, they aren’t.”

How about you speak about what you know and stop dippin in my cool-aide.

You wanna know what non-married, non-procreation sex is like, it hot and great!!!! I do it as much as possible and feel nothing but glee to know I am not producing any offspring from my bedroom adventures. I feel no shame,  it is not hurting me or my partner or any of our neighbors, and it does not affect any other aspect of my life negatively. So put that in your Hater-pipe and smoke it, loser!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: Single people sex is AWESOME and for those jerkface- know-nothings who want to hate on it, SUCK IT!!! If you have no experience with it you can have no opinion of it.


Here’s what I have a Conscientious Objection to…

17 Feb

I conscientiously object to Conservatives wasting time denying women the right to birth control when they should be making at least a vague attempt at creating jobs .

I conscientiously object to the unrelenting attack on women by religion.

I conscientiously object to my total value in society being what I can and can not do with my uterus.

I conscientiously object to our country tip-toeing around hurting poor little Religion’s  feelings by scapegoating half the population.

I conscientiously object to the idea that my employer should have any say in my medical treatments or prescriptions.

I conscientiously object to allowing, bigots, homophobes, misogynist, and pshycopaths to not only hide behind religion but have their twisted world view accepted in the name of religious tolerance.

I conscientiously object to being labeled a bitch because I vehemently disagree with you taking away my rights and freedoms (being called a bitch as a woman really just means you aren’t taking the shit they throw at you with a smile. so, yay, I’m a bitch).

I conscientiously object to any medical decision being made based solely on an ancient text full of inaccuracies and inconsistencies, ESPECIALLY when said text has nothing to do with medicine.

I conscientiously object to all groups besides Religious groups being deemed “special interest”  and demonized by the right for wanting special treatment.

I conscientiously object to churches being tax exempt.

I conscientiously object to men wanting any say in a debate about women’s reproductive rights, you can’t have all the opinions without any of the consequences.

I conscientiously object to ideology that makes me second class by the sheer fact of being a women.

I conscientiously object to anyone who deems me intolerant for hating religion. Religious ideologues tell me I’m going to hell, I’m a sinner and work ceaselessly to take away my reproductive rights and basic rights to autonomy but I’m the jerk for not liking them? It’s called logic, you don’t respect me, I don’t respect you.

I conscientiously object to Corporations and dividing cells being considered “people” and more important “people” than me.

I conscientiously object to constantly being angry or sad or ashamed of my country for how it lets women down.

I conscientiously object to any person or idea that does not give me the full respect I deserve as a human being.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Hey, Congress!! Yes you, the over paid, self-righteous, do nothing, bunch of fucktard who care more about ruining their opposition than fixing the economy. How about you get off your lazy ass and do something effective, like CREATE JOBS and ECONOMIC STABILITY. And get the fuck outta my cooch and off my birth control. DO YOUR JOB!!!! Religion has it’s freedom to exist, it does not have the freedom to waste tax payer time and money to force its beliefs on large portions of the population. END OF STORY.

IUD/Personhood/Just a vagina

12 Jan


There was a media orgy over Mississippi’s “Personhood” Amendment that was left for the voters to decide in Nov. 2011, if passed, it would have defined a fertilized egg as a person and effectively outlawed abortion in the state. This Amendment, known to voters as Amendment 26, was struck down by the voters of what is known as one of the most conservative states in America cause it’s wording was vague and could have included routinely used forms of contraceptives including the Pill and IUDs. Now the freakshows who initiated this waste of time are trying to push it through the state legislator and circumnavigate the will of the voters. Usual sore loser shit.

I take this subject very seriously because I have an IUD, a small device that lives in my uterus and prevents conception and if fertilization happens, it prevents implantation. This was the most cost-effective, healthy, long-term option I had for preventing pregnancy. After many attempts at taking oral (hormonal) contraceptives I learned that my body reacted poorly to them, I gain weight, my blood pressure elevates and I turn into an emotionally unstable crazy bitch. The IUD I choose involves no hormones, is good for 10 years and required 2 doctors visits, with an overall cost of $30.

So every time I read about personhood amendments or how multiplying cells should have rights as people (I guess they’re using the same logical as Corporations being people) all I can think is “god!! I’m so tired of my vagina being a battleground!!!!” Let’s face it, all women in one way or another are part of the battleground but purely in the context of their vagina being the possible bearer of life. With the personhood debate the proponents are the righteous, the baby is the victim, my uterus is the battleground, the IUD is the devil and the rest of me is just the fleshy meat surrounding the debate. Where do I exist?

As a self-proclaimed selfish person, hence the IUD and absence of babies, I find debates concerning my body that don’t really factor me in as a person to be infuriating. I make smart decision about my reproductive options and then wingnuts decide that I’m not a person, I’m a baby making factory that should respect the potential for life in my, as yet, untested vagina more than I respect myself.

We should have moved passed the time where myths and fables dictate or legislation, where logic is tossed aside for the sake of “righteousness”, where women receive more attention to their combined uterus’ than all their accomplishments and triumphs combined. It genuinely makes me sick that with everything that people could be fighting for they fight for potential life over actual life.

Nugget of Awesomeness: GET OUT OF MY UTERUS!!!! Or if your gonna be all rude like that then at least acknowledge that it’s attached to a person. And if you can’t treat me like a person in the debate then don’t act all shocked when I can’t have sympathy for the “babies”, if you don’t give a crap that I exist I can’t give a crap that these “babies” could exist.


Entitlement of the Crazies

23 Aug

I live in a an old Victorian house that has been turned into 3 apartments, there are two ladies in the other apts but we are out number by our animals. 4 cats, 1 dog, 3 humans. Recently, the lady on the second floor and I ( on the top floor) decided to get internet and split it. I had it installed in my apt and added wifi so she could get a signal for her laptop.

A little while ago the crazy on the first floor figured out what we had going on and wanted to get in on it. My first instinct was that this was a bad idea, drama seems to surround this woman and she enjoys creating it but I figured it was just a stupid internet bill split 3 ways so how could she really fuck that up.

Oh, how wrong I was.

The first time I send her a text asking for her part of the bill she says yes but that she needs a copy of the bill for a lawsuit she is involved in. Obviously, being that I’m not an idiot, I wanted more information about what was going on before I hand over a statement with my name on it to be used in any litigation. The gist is she is being sued for past medical bills and is keeping an expense report to prove she is unable to pay the bills.

I asked to talk about it later in person but she seemed insistent on working it out then and there, over text message, while I was at work. She sends me a message so big my phone had to break it up into 3 messages, “trying” to explain the situation. I put trying in quotes because she first explained to me what an expense report is like I was a child, then acted like the bill was so minor they wouldn’t care about it but it was vitally important that she include the bill, then threw in a sob story about how poor she it.

In essence, her approach to getting me to do this was condescend, bully, then cry. All tactics that have no effect on me especially when you are a crazy bitch.

Once I checked with the lady on the second floor that we could change the password for the wifi, I told crazypants that I was not comfortable with being involved and that I wanted her to provide her own internet and gave her till the end of the month before we changed the password. See how nice I was about it. But of course she had to take issue with something so she texted me that she didn’t like the characterisation that she was involving me in a lawsuit. 

Whatever, bitch. You’re still kicked off my internet.

Here’s the first part of the reason I kicked her off. I am not giving any piece of info with my name on it to anyone to use in a court battle that I have no need to be involved in. I’m selfish like that. But also smarter than that. That bill with my name on it could end up anywhere, I have no control over it once I give it to her and I am not taking any chances with my name or information. Plus, I don’t like her.

And the second part, when I am bullied into an immediate answer in these kinds of matters I will go with whatever is easiest and in my best interest. If we had talked about it there is a chance we might have figured out a way to do it but she wanted her answer right then. All I could think was “this is already more of a hassle than I want in order to save $5 a month on my internet.” My sympathies are always with myself.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Some people are jerks that generally get what they want by manipulating people’s emotions and you always need to stand up to them. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with and if you have the power to change it, then do it. Don’t be afraid of looking like an asshole, if it is in your best interest then you have nothing to feel bad about. Fuck ’em, you don’t need the haters anyways.

Why you’ll never be able to marry a goat.

19 Jul

If these turds can be married then we can't keep calling the institution "sacred."

How often do you hear this statement against Gay Marriage, “If we allow gay marriage what’s next, people marrying animals or marrying children.” Let’s look past the obvious and disgusting comparison of Homosexuality to actual mental instability issues such as Bestiality and Pedophilia and focus on the reason that legally these issues are not the same.

The reason is the issue of consent, namely that we do not allow children or animals to consent to marriage because they lack the ability to understand what they are entering into, by our legal standards. Now, with two consenting adults be they gay, straight, bi, transgendered or asexual, you have two people fully aware of the consequences and obligations of what they are doing.

Glad we got that all cleared up, with no help from the American media who should have called bullshit on this statement the first time it was every uttered. But really this statement was always meant to confuse the issue and equate gayness with perversion.

Now that we all know this argument is bullshit, you freakshow, uber-conservative, religious fucktards need to stop using it. If you had a good argument against gay marriage (and by good I mean evidentiary based, not biblically based) you would make it and not throw out these red herrings.

Nugget of Awesomeness: A marriage certificate is a social contract, and there is no legal reason to deny two consenting adults the right to have one, no matter how much your bible says otherwise. You wanna fight about gay marriage in your church, go nuts, but when it comes to fighting the state you got nothing to go on. But I suspect you already knew that.

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