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Confession Goulash #3

19 Jul

golf club

When I was a kid I ripped the roof of my mouth off with a broken golf club. You know all those bumps and ridges you have on the roof of you mouth?? I don’t have them.


Homemade Truck Nuts

25 May

A certainty in my life is that faced with a moron at the bar I will fuck with them. Partially out of meanness, partially out of curiosity. I like to see how far the stupidity extends, just how far I can take it.

A couple of years ago, in a now infamous case of me fucking with stupid, my friend received homemade truck nuts for her birthday. If you are unfamiliar with Truck Nuts here is a wonderful Wikipedia article for you. Basically, it is something you put on your truck to make it look like it has testicles. These particular homemade truck nuts were two apples in an old sock with a hole in it. Classy.

After pitchers of delicious margaritas a group of us descended on a local boozery and sat on the patio. The homemade trucks nuts got the attention of a young boozehound and fun ensued. I am hazy on the particulars and I encourage anyone who was there to comment on the things I missed. Here is what happened as I remember it.

Boozehound (who told us his name was Whitney) bit at the apples through the obvoiusly dirty sock thus proving to me that he was either a moron or very drunk, either way, he was a prime target for being fucked with. I tell Whitney he should teabag himself with the Truck nuts which he proceeds to do, thumping himself in the forehead with them. I can’t be sure of this but the teabagging seemed to go on for more time than it should have. Meaning he should have been hitting himself in the forehead with apples in a sock for no longer than 60seconds. My rough estimate For the time of these shenanigans is 20 min. 

Somewhere in this process I ran into the bar and hit my friend in the forehead with the truck nuts and tried hitting Whitney (on the butt I think) with them and broke a glass and spilled beer on myself. This may have ended the fiasco but I’m not sure.

Anyhoo, the real climax to this dance of the drunken buffoon is when I decided to up the danger level. Somewhere in the tragedy and legend making of the homemade truck nuts night I told whitney that if he was really serious he would hit himself in the face with the truck nuts till he bled. In my defense, I never thought he would do it. To my horror, he starts walloping himself in the face as hard as he could with the apple filled sock. It didn’t take long for me to tell him to stop because that kind of self brutality is only funny in theory, in reality its uncomfortable and kind of sad.

It seemed to me that things got awkward after that and Whitney parted from our group. Or we may have left to go watch the movie Up and eat pizza, who can be sure of these things. All I know is that for the next year if I went to that bar someone (either patron or employee) remember that night.  It’s not everyday you see a grown-ass man hitting himself as hard as he can in the face with a holey sock of apples. That will sear itself into your brain.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I can’t help it!!!! If you prove to me you are gullible and I am a little drunkie-poo then bad things will happen, on your end. I blame it on being an older sibling, I am preprogrammed to exploit weakness for my own sick pleasure. Regardless, if you are stupid enough to attempt to bloody your own face cause I ask you to then life is going to be hard for you all around. Best of luck, dummy.

This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it.

16 Mar


This is totally not related to the story but isn't this little guy adorable 🙂

This whole abortion/birth control clusterfuck of stupid going on right now has given way to conservatives dissing premarital, non-procreation sex as bad and detrimental to people and society. I have a one question for these turds “How the fuck would you know?”

Most of these men claim to be good religious folk that abstained from sexy time till their wedding night so how are they in a position to have an informed opinion about the sex of single people? Oh right, they aren’t.”

How about you speak about what you know and stop dippin in my cool-aide.

You wanna know what non-married, non-procreation sex is like, it hot and great!!!! I do it as much as possible and feel nothing but glee to know I am not producing any offspring from my bedroom adventures. I feel no shame,  it is not hurting me or my partner or any of our neighbors, and it does not affect any other aspect of my life negatively. So put that in your Hater-pipe and smoke it, loser!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: Single people sex is AWESOME and for those jerkface- know-nothings who want to hate on it, SUCK IT!!! If you have no experience with it you can have no opinion of it.


Entitlement of the Crazies

23 Aug

I live in a an old Victorian house that has been turned into 3 apartments, there are two ladies in the other apts but we are out number by our animals. 4 cats, 1 dog, 3 humans. Recently, the lady on the second floor and I ( on the top floor) decided to get internet and split it. I had it installed in my apt and added wifi so she could get a signal for her laptop.

A little while ago the crazy on the first floor figured out what we had going on and wanted to get in on it. My first instinct was that this was a bad idea, drama seems to surround this woman and she enjoys creating it but I figured it was just a stupid internet bill split 3 ways so how could she really fuck that up.

Oh, how wrong I was.

The first time I send her a text asking for her part of the bill she says yes but that she needs a copy of the bill for a lawsuit she is involved in. Obviously, being that I’m not an idiot, I wanted more information about what was going on before I hand over a statement with my name on it to be used in any litigation. The gist is she is being sued for past medical bills and is keeping an expense report to prove she is unable to pay the bills.

I asked to talk about it later in person but she seemed insistent on working it out then and there, over text message, while I was at work. She sends me a message so big my phone had to break it up into 3 messages, “trying” to explain the situation. I put trying in quotes because she first explained to me what an expense report is like I was a child, then acted like the bill was so minor they wouldn’t care about it but it was vitally important that she include the bill, then threw in a sob story about how poor she it.

In essence, her approach to getting me to do this was condescend, bully, then cry. All tactics that have no effect on me especially when you are a crazy bitch.

Once I checked with the lady on the second floor that we could change the password for the wifi, I told crazypants that I was not comfortable with being involved and that I wanted her to provide her own internet and gave her till the end of the month before we changed the password. See how nice I was about it. But of course she had to take issue with something so she texted me that she didn’t like the characterisation that she was involving me in a lawsuit. 

Whatever, bitch. You’re still kicked off my internet.

Here’s the first part of the reason I kicked her off. I am not giving any piece of info with my name on it to anyone to use in a court battle that I have no need to be involved in. I’m selfish like that. But also smarter than that. That bill with my name on it could end up anywhere, I have no control over it once I give it to her and I am not taking any chances with my name or information. Plus, I don’t like her.

And the second part, when I am bullied into an immediate answer in these kinds of matters I will go with whatever is easiest and in my best interest. If we had talked about it there is a chance we might have figured out a way to do it but she wanted her answer right then. All I could think was “this is already more of a hassle than I want in order to save $5 a month on my internet.” My sympathies are always with myself.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Some people are jerks that generally get what they want by manipulating people’s emotions and you always need to stand up to them. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with and if you have the power to change it, then do it. Don’t be afraid of looking like an asshole, if it is in your best interest then you have nothing to feel bad about. Fuck ’em, you don’t need the haters anyways.

Attention must be paid.

24 May


 Things that happened on my way to work today:

  • First, a college kids wanders into the middle of the street I am driving down, doesn’t look just heads across it, I honk and he doesn’t notice. As I drive past I realize he has earplugs in and is listening to music, completely oblivious to the fact that he could have been hit by my car.
  • A few blocks later a woman blindly pulls out of a parking lot and over shoots the turn and veers into my lane where she would have sideswiped me if I hadn’t braked. As I drive past her, I see the problem, she is too busy stuff her face with breakfast to bother paying attention to her driving.
  • I thankfully get my car parked and begin my 8 block walk into work, I am stopped at a cross walk because it says don’t walk and the traffic has the right of way. A woman on a cell phone walks right past me into the intersection and stops traffic, never realizing she didn’t have the light.

Is it too much to fucking ask that people pay attention to what they are doing?!?!?!?!? How about society collectively takes its head out of its ass and realize that more is going on than just whats happening to any one person.

This is one of my main problems with our culture, particularly American culture, the absolute selfish nature of most people. People confuse their self-centered behavior as “freedom.” Sure, you have the “freedom” to talk on your phone whenever you want but when you get hit by a car because you blindly wandered into the street don’t expect any sympathy, you fucking jackass.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Life is happening around you, not because of you or to accommodate you, so get over yourself. Take the time to give a shit and pay attention to living you life in a way that doesn’t infringe on other people. It’s called being aware and considerate, it ain’t that hard. Anyone who fails to do it is a lazy, jerkface that deserves to have bad things happen to them. You want your life to get better, then quit being an asshole.

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