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Trainings AKA Where I learn to Hate People More

24 Sep


I have this series out out-of-town trainings for my college program and they are the flippin worst and what really chafes my balls is I don’t learn all that much. Mostly I walk away thinking all people are jerks and that I just lost 3 days of my life. You wanna know why? I’m good with retaining knowledge and applying it so I spend most of time waiting for folks to catch up, listening to reviews of topic I don’t need, or people’s stupid ass questions cause they weren’t paying attention. Mass trainings are geared to the lowest common denominator and those of us who can process information are left to have a shitty experience. The slow pace frustrates me and then I become angry because it feels like I’m being punished for being competent. Why do I have to accommodate morons?!?!?!?!

Then you have the other people in the room who apparently were never told how to act in public or like adults. DON’T POP YOUR FUCKING GUM!!!! If you can’t chew gum without popping then don’t chew it. It is rude and unprofessional and MFing annoying. Also, if your going to play on your phone, talk to your neighbor, or other such nonsense during instructions then you shouldn’t be able to hold up the whole class because you don’t know what’s going on. Pay attention or suck at your job, seems fair to me.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Basically I see everyone else in the room as those wacky, waving tube men just flailing about with no purpose. How about we stop catering training to the dumbest person in the room and at least meet in the middle because you are not helping anyone by setting expectations that low.


Moratorium on Nazis and 60s cultural icons

23 Dec


Some fucktard congressional representative compared the duck dynasty dipshit who’s a blatant homophobe to Rosa Parks. Let that sink in for a second…Now that your brain has rebooted after crashing from trying to process that much stupid, let’s discuss.

Nah! I am not going to justify this bullshit with and argument against it. Dude is just wrong. End of story. Instead I would like to take this time to call for a change in the public discourse, one that is long over due.

1. All comparison to 60s political or social icons need to stop. I don’t care who is doing it, it stops now. Non of the shit-bags in Congress or on reality television are of any comparisons to these great people. When you make these baseless comparisons you dishonor their memory and make yourself look like fool with no grasp of history or general concepts of reality. I can say the sloppy shit I took this morning is a modern day JFK but that doesn’t make it so and that statement lines up with the  kind of comparison we are getting these days.

2. When you disagree with someone stop calling them Nazi, Fascist,or Socialist. Let’s be honest that half (over half…2/3…alright, basically ALL) of the people who use this as a go-to insult don’t know what any of those things mean. It’s also just so unabashedly lazy. “you don’t feel the way I feel, NAZI.” Wow, what a well thought out argument. You do it for shock value and to take the debate straight into the throwing poop level of discourse. How about everyone put on their grown up pants(that includes you, major news outlets!!!) and try having an actual debate. Present a point and then back it up with out resorting to name calling.

As point of clarification, being called a Socialist isn’t an insult. My political views lean heavily towards Socialism. Why? Glad you asked. We will always have government, it will always exist in American. It is a necessity and I recognize that. I want that government to benefit everyone, including myself, not just those at the top (which is our current system). 

Nugget of Awesomeness: I get that our public discourse is fucked and driven by buzz words and propaganda. I’m not a dummy. But can we at least bring it up to just above the level of: Laziest Fuckery Ever. Aim high people and maybe we can make it to level: Just Dumb-Now with less Nazis.

Confession Goulash #3

19 Jul

golf club

When I was a kid I ripped the roof of my mouth off with a broken golf club. You know all those bumps and ridges you have on the roof of you mouth?? I don’t have them.

Throw wads of cash at shiny things

12 Apr


As everyone is aware, I don’t understand the big deal about getting married, but I will admit that was an adult decision I made. When I was younger I had the same thoughts about my perfect wedding day that all (or at least) most girls had. I would dream of my fancy dress, the doctor I would be marrying and how perfect it would all be. My special day that would be the most perfectest and extravagant day since ever. 

I think I realized that my childhood dream wedding was never going to happened at the same time I realized that I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I was pregnant and it wasn’t a total accident. Once I formed my adult self I just couldn’t reconcile these dreams of marriage and babies from my youth. I have trouble with “normal” and in my early 20s I began to accept that. 

Now I’m 33 with a great boyfriend so the topic of marriage comes up frequently. Well, it comes up as a serious topic frequently. Not like it used to be when I would say shit like “If I got married my bridesmaids would have water guns instead of flowers and they would shoot the guest as they walked down the aisle.” This is not something I said 10 years ago this is something I said in the last year. MATURITY!!!!!!!! 

So I try to seriously think about marriage. I can see it happening now, I really love my dude and us being together for eva doesn’t sound so bad. The catch is when I start to think about the actual wedding day. First of all, white dress? Don’t think so, not my color and I spill beverages on my clothes all the time so it wouldn’t make it 20 minutes without being ruined. Wear fancy shoes? I can’t walk in them and I don’t think the “happiest day of my life” really needs me falling on my face. Church? Out of the question. Walking down the aisle with just my dad? I’m gonna need both my parents involved. 

This snowballs into the wheres, whens, whys, and whats that make my head spin. Knowing that ultimately I will have to say no to a billion things because I don’t want what most people want out of a wedding. I’m not sure I’m up for it. 

But the really big thing that takes a big dump on any dreams of getting married is the cost. Did you know the national average for the cost of a wedding is $27,000?!?!?!!? I can think of better way to spend that kind of money. What’s that? Go low budget and only spend $5,000 you say. Why would I spend 5 grand on 1 day when I could take a kick ass honeymoon for that money? And that brings me to my point. 

I think there is a conspiracy to convince little girls that a wedding has to be perfect and cost a bunch of money. Cause if you hadn’t been told your whole life to spare no expense for 1 fucking day you would find the idea of it idiotic. Brainwashing I tell you!!!!! This constant litany of “you have to have your dream princess wedding or your life is incomplete” that sits in the back of your mind until the reality of marriage comes around. This thought stuck there over and over in your childhood makes you yearn to throw wads of cash at shiny things and make this your one fucking day of AWESOMENESS. 

It’s a good thing our culture starts working on us young about weddings. If you didn’t, logic would prevent us from wasting all that money. 

Nugget of Awesomeness: Dear Fancy Wedding, It’s never going to happen so you should surrender the fantasy. You seem cool and all, and a bunch of people like you, but I’m just not that into you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to just go through the motions because it would be unsatisfying for everyone. I wish you well but no thanks. Just so you don’t hear it from anyone else, I choose Fancy Honeymoon over you. Sorry, we just have more in common. Best of luck (even though you don’t need it), P-Swayze is my copilot. 

Side note: If you want a fancy wedding, more power to ya. I support whatever makes you feel good. 

Doin it all wrong, all the time

29 Mar


Listening to music recently I heard a song that always sends me back to some contemplative, end-game times with my exbf. The song talks about a love the ends without a happy ending, a love that existed but then just fell apart. I remember listening to the song during the slow and stupid demise of my last relationship and thinking “is that us, are we just gonna stop, no happy ending?”

No freakin shit we were headed for break-up!! Our relationship sucked. And in the back of my mind I knew, just like a I always know, that is wasn’t gonna work. Which is why I think of coming to terms with a break-up not as realizing you shouldn’t be with a person but as accepting what you knew from the start. I can’t speak for anyone else but most of my relationships consisted of me ignoring all the wrongs to make it right…and to continue getting laid on a consistent basis. Lets not ignore this obvious fact of the massive amount of lies a  lady will tell herself  in order to justify banging that mean dude just because he gives the good dick. Truth!

But my biggest-est-est mistake of all, and by golly there were a lot of them, was letting my ex (lets call him “Sir Whines-a-lot”) judge me by the actions of his ex-gf. It’s sooooo mf-ing cliche but he had an ex that he was totally in love with who cheated on him and it ruined him. He also claimed that his friends and family never “had his back” (lies) and he didn’t know what it was like to really trust someone (more lies). I know, I know!!!! I realize how lame that shit is and I am ashamed of myself for not punching him in the face when I heard it. Cause punches to the face are a fix-all problem solver.

Instead I believed not that I could fix him but that he couldn’t ignore my awesomeness. He would have to except at some point that I was the bee’s knees and his faith in women and humanity would be restored. My girlfriend powers being of super hero proportions.

What actually happened was I was way too nice and accommodating and he took me for granted.  And once I became aware of what was happening it was too late to change it. The thing I didn’t factor in was that I was basically saying “sure, you can work your bullshit out on me.” Which doesn’t lead to someone having more respect for you it leads to them not giving a fuck about you. All I did was give him the free range to always believe he was more important. I was a girlfriend superstar but in his mind I was only breaking even cause I started with the shitty ex-girlfriend deficit.

And this is how it is always going to end in these types of situations. Contrary to  just about any romantic conflict you see on any tv/movie/commercial/what-not, there is no respect to be won by giving someone the freedom to be a dick to you. That’s is essentially what you do when you allow a boyfriend to work his past shit out on the present you. No one, be it boyfriend, best-friend  super-friend or family has the right to judge you by anything but your actions.

The funniest thing with Sir Whines-a-Lot was he ended up treating me exactly the way he hated being treated by everyone else. I could never count on him, he didn’t “have my back” and he was selfish and placed no value on what I wanted. Giving him the opportunity to “work his issues out” only allowed him to take out all his agnst on me. FOR SHIT I DIDN’T DO!!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: This falls into the don’t settle category of relationship advice. Don’t settle for a dude that isn’t judging you for you. We have all been threw some shit but at a certain point you need to get over it and act like a fucking adult. I’m not saying that you should demand that a dude treat you the way you deserve to be treat I’m saying you should EXPECT it. If you have to demand it then he’s not worth it. Don’t try to fix him or make him see the woman can be trusted. Ain’t gonna happen. Dump him and find a guy who can treat you right. When a relationship is good it feels easy. As always, keep on fuckin 😉

Write that sh*t down.

13 Jul

I have a theory that tear-away pants make a man more fertile.

Let’s take a journey back to 2000 when I was 20 and dating my boss who was 30. {Smart life decision alert!!!) So me and El Diablo (he had 666 tattooed behind his ear) are done getting it on and he say what, up until that point, was one the scariest things i have every heard. “Oh shit, the condom broke.” Without saying a word I push him off me and run to the bathroom to…well, let gravity help a bitch in a bad situation. I figured the ovum+sperm=baby making party couldn’t happen if both attendees weren’t invited.

After allowing gravity to do its thing for a good 5 minutes I went back up stairs to a slightly confused manfriend. I explained my need to expel and then we talk options. Long story short, I’m was going to Planned Parenthood for the morning after pill cause we don’t want no babies and that’s the smart thing to do.

Yes, I was alive in the dark ages when Plan B was something you could only get from your doctor or Planned Parenthood. It was a sad, fucked-up time.

The next day I take my bestie instead of my boyfriend to PP with me, which in hindsight says a lot about me and El Diablo’s relationship. He may have potential impregnated me but I didn’t care for him to be there. Besides, my bestie was way funnier to have around when she accidentally touched the abortion vacuum that was under a sheet. And then yelped when she realized what she was touching.

Anybahoozer, I had to answer all these questions that went like this.

“How long has it been since the unprotected sex?”

“I didn’t have unprotected sex, the condom broke. But that was about 8 hrs ago.”

“Have you had unprotected sex before this?”

“I didn’t have unprotected sex, the condom broke. But, no.”

At all points they refered to it as unprotected sex. I get it, they see a lot of girls in there that don’t want to admit to having unprotected sex but I wasn’t one of them. THE FUCKING CONDOM BROKE!!! Write that shit down so you don’t forget it.

If I had had unprotected sex I would have said that was why I needed the pills. Later in life I did have unprotected sex and marched my ass to the gyno and told her. Then asked for the deluxe smorgasbord of STD tests and was on my way. No need for anti-baby pills I had other barriers in place.

Point being: I did the responsible thing by using condoms in the first place. When the condom broke I did the responsible thing that was a big hassle and made an appointment to get the morning after pill. I came to the clinic and was honest and responsible so at least do me the courtesy of recognizing that.

Nuggest of Awesomeness: I am fervent about having safe sex. I have made friends cry over this shit!! You know what sucks real bad, being responsible about sex but being treated as if you were an idiot about it. I love me some Planned Parenthood, and this incident may have been a fluke but that shit was insulting. What it boils down to is I want my props for being on top of my game in the No-babies/No-STD’s Sex-olympics.

Nuggest of Awesomeness, part deux: I am so glad that you can get Plan B over the counter now a days. I have used it twice since this incident (both because of broken condoms) and it was cheaper and easier to get. And that my friends is true progress. As always, keep on fuckin.

Preach it, Billy Ocean!!!!

30 Jun

More than one person has remarked about my boyfriend “I like him, he’s a big dude who can handle you.” Or something along those lines. Point being, the whole world (of my friends) is in agreement that I need to “handled.”

At first I couldn’t help but be slightly offended by this statement. Was I some shrill harpy (fingers crossed) that needs a man who can put up with my never-ending mountain of smack talking, nagging bullshit?? Was I so out of control that I need a person bigger than me to keep me in line???

Of course not.

What I have come to realize as the actual meaning of these statement (not paranoid delusions of what they meant) is that dating me is not for the weak. I’m not particularly physically intimidating, unless you are a child, missing a limb/limbs, blind, paralyzed or old. And I am not the meanest or bitchiest person you may know, I’m a mid weight in the bitchy ladies division.

What I AM is independent, tough, assertive and opinionated. A women in no way afraid to be single, who will not take the BS just to keep the man and prefers solitude to settling. I care very little about getting married or having kids, they are not off the table but I don’t bring them out for every meal. I hate being told what to do or any automatic assumption of my failings just because I have a vagina. I will not be a “good girl” and play nice just to keep the peace. I will not back down from things just because they are traditionally a man thang. And I do not apologize for being a woman or a feminist.

So I think people mean that my BF is a good dude who can get onboard with who I am. Which not a lot of men can do. He’s tough enough to handle the terrifying ride that is dating P-Swayze Is My Co-Pilot.

Nugget or Awesomeness: I’m going to let Billy Ocean do the talking for me.

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