Confession Gulash #1

17 Jul

When I see a Book of the Month sign my inner monologues sings ♪ It’s the book of the month ♪ to the tune of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “First of the Month.”

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Throw wads of cash at shiny things

12 Apr

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As everyone is aware, I don’t understand the big deal about getting married, but I will admit that was an adult decision I made. When I was younger I had the same thoughts about my perfect wedding day that all (or at least) most girls had. I would dream of my fancy dress, the doctor I would be marrying and how perfect it would all be. My special day that would be the most perfectest and extravagant day since ever. 

I think I realized that my childhood dream wedding was never going to happened at the same time I realized that I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I was pregnant and it wasn’t a total accident. Once I formed my adult self I just couldn’t reconcile these dreams of marriage and babies from my youth. I have trouble with “normal” and in my early 20s I began to accept that. 

Now I’m 33 with a great boyfriend so the topic of marriage comes up frequently. Well, it comes up as a serious topic frequently. Not like it used to be when I would say shit like “If I got married my bridesmaids would have water guns instead of flowers and they would shoot the guest as they walked down the aisle.” This is not something I said 10 years ago this is something I said in the last year. MATURITY!!!!!!!! 

So I try to seriously think about marriage. I can see it happening now, I really love my dude and us being together for eva doesn’t sound so bad. The catch is when I start to think about the actual wedding day. First of all, white dress? Don’t think so, not my color and I spill beverages on my clothes all the time so it wouldn’t make it 20 minutes without being ruined. Wear fancy shoes? I can’t walk in them and I don’t think the “happiest day of my life” really needs me falling on my face. Church? Out of the question. Walking down the aisle with just my dad? I’m gonna need both my parents involved. 

This snowballs into the wheres, whens, whys, and whats that make my head spin. Knowing that ultimately I will have to say no to a billion things because I don’t want what most people want out of a wedding. I’m not sure I’m up for it. 

But the really big thing that takes a big dump on any dreams of getting married is the cost. Did you know the national average for the cost of a wedding is $27,000?!?!?!!? I can think of better way to spend that kind of money. What’s that? Go low budget and only spend $5,000 you say. Why would I spend 5 grand on 1 day when I could take a kick ass honeymoon for that money? And that brings me to my point. 

I think there is a conspiracy to convince little girls that a wedding has to be perfect and cost a bunch of money. Cause if you hadn’t been told your whole life to spare no expense for 1 fucking day you would find the idea of it idiotic. Brainwashing I tell you!!!!! This constant litany of “you have to have your dream princess wedding or your life is incomplete” that sits in the back of your mind until the reality of marriage comes around. This thought stuck there over and over in your childhood makes you yearn to throw wads of cash at shiny things and make this your one fucking day of AWESOMENESS. 

It’s a good thing our culture starts working on us young about weddings. If you didn’t, logic would prevent us from wasting all that money. 

Nugget of Awesomeness: Dear Fancy Wedding, It’s never going to happen so you should surrender the fantasy. You seem cool and all, and a bunch of people like you, but I’m just not that into you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to just go through the motions because it would be unsatisfying for everyone. I wish you well but no thanks. Just so you don’t hear it from anyone else, I choose Fancy Honeymoon over you. Sorry, we just have more in common. Best of luck (even though you don’t need it), P-Swayze is my copilot. 

Side note: If you want a fancy wedding, more power to ya. I support whatever makes you feel good. 

Doin it all wrong, all the time

29 Mar

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Listening to music recently I heard a song that always sends me back to some contemplative, end-game times with my exbf. The song talks about a love the ends without a happy ending, a love that existed but then just fell apart. I remember listening to the song during the slow and stupid demise of my last relationship and thinking “is that us, are we just gonna stop, no happy ending?”

No freakin shit we were headed for break-up!! Our relationship sucked. And in the back of my mind I knew, just like a I always know, that is wasn’t gonna work. Which is why I think of coming to terms with a break-up not as realizing you shouldn’t be with a person but as accepting what you knew from the start. I can’t speak for anyone else but most of my relationships consisted of me ignoring all the wrongs to make it right…and to continue getting laid on a consistent basis. Lets not ignore this obvious fact of the massive amount of lies a  lady will tell herself  in order to justify banging that mean dude just because he gives the good dick. Truth!

But my biggest-est-est mistake of all, and by golly there were a lot of them, was letting my ex (lets call him “Sir Whines-a-lot”) judge me by the actions of his ex-gf. It’s sooooo mf-ing cliche but he had an ex that he was totally in love with who cheated on him and it ruined him. He also claimed that his friends and family never “had his back” (lies) and he didn’t know what it was like to really trust someone (more lies). I know, I know!!!! I realize how lame that shit is and I am ashamed of myself for not punching him in the face when I heard it. Cause punches to the face are a fix-all problem solver.

Instead I believed not that I could fix him but that he couldn’t ignore my awesomeness. He would have to except at some point that I was the bee’s knees and his faith in women and humanity would be restored. My girlfriend powers being of super hero proportions.

What actually happened was I was way too nice and accommodating and he took me for granted.  And once I became aware of what was happening it was too late to change it. The thing I didn’t factor in was that I was basically saying “sure, you can work your bullshit out on me.” Which doesn’t lead to someone having more respect for you it leads to them not giving a fuck about you. All I did was give him the free range to always believe he was more important. I was a girlfriend superstar but in his mind I was only breaking even cause I started with the shitty ex-girlfriend deficit.

And this is how it is always going to end in these types of situations. Contrary to  just about any romantic conflict you see on any tv/movie/commercial/what-not, there is no respect to be won by giving someone the freedom to be a dick to you. That’s is essentially what you do when you allow a boyfriend to work his past shit out on the present you. No one, be it boyfriend, best-friend  super-friend or family has the right to judge you by anything but your actions.

The funniest thing with Sir Whines-a-Lot was he ended up treating me exactly the way he hated being treated by everyone else. I could never count on him, he didn’t “have my back” and he was selfish and placed no value on what I wanted. Giving him the opportunity to “work his issues out” only allowed him to take out all his agnst on me. FOR SHIT I DIDN’T DO!!!!

Nugget of Awesomeness: This falls into the don’t settle category of relationship advice. Don’t settle for a dude that isn’t judging you for you. We have all been threw some shit but at a certain point you need to get over it and act like a fucking adult. I’m not saying that you should demand that a dude treat you the way you deserve to be treat I’m saying you should EXPECT it. If you have to demand it then he’s not worth it. Don’t try to fix him or make him see the woman can be trusted. Ain’t gonna happen. Dump him and find a guy who can treat you right. When a relationship is good it feels easy. As always, keep on fuckin 😉

Breakin up is Awesome to do….

16 Nov

 

sucky but awesome. Yes- at first it will feel like your heart was ripped out through your asshole or nose or ear, what ever orifice sounds most painful to you. Or, if you are the dumpee, yes-you will feel a severe amount of guilt and pangs of possible regret at first. It’s the withdrawal of the familiar that is effing with you and that is all.

I had this boyfriend who was such a jerk he made me physically sick. No really, he caused me so much stress that I began to get light headed. This was caused by my circulatory system being out of whack and blood pooling in my legs and not getting to my brain. And it was all due to stress, stress caused by him being a self centered baby about everything and making me feel like I failed him all the time. (Someday I will write a post on why you should never date a guy who wants you to help him trust women again and it will be dedicated to that exbf) How do I know it was his fault? It went away when I broke up with him but not before a whole slew of medical tests, a misdiagnosis and a cardiologist trying to shame me into taking zombie drugs.

Obviously it wasn’t all this guys fault, I was freakin miserable and I should have broken up with him sooner. (Side note: I was going to break it off with him several months before I did but he had a seizure (he’s epileptic) and it made me reconsider the situation.)

When I finally dumpity-dumped…let’s call him,  Mr. Selfcentered I was miserable in that pathetic, shitty, sad poetry is how I feel way. Think along the lines of “I’m so sad it hurts to breath.” It was awful and included a backslide into sleeping with the ex territory. I make bad decisions sometimes. Oddly, I was still totally in love with this shitbag who was such a jerk he wouldn’t hang out at my apt (around the corner from his) because I didn’t have cable. This fucker who when I threw my back out helping him move a couch told me he though I was being a baby about it. This guy who….um… never mind. I could do this for hours but I won’t.

Back to my point. I know consider breaking up with him to be one of the best decisions I have ever made and I am proud of myself for doing it. I was in love with him but I trusted that the feeling I had deep down that something was wrong was the thing I should listen to. And after the brief weepy, sad time my life became better than it had ever been. 

I went to Greece for the most bad-ass, life affirming, relaxing, drunken cheese-pie eating, fun time in my entire life. I would kill any of you for the chance to go back…ANY OF YOU. I started jogging and participated in Hell Run (twice). I went spelunking for the first time. I tried some serious rafting. I fell in love my hot glue gun and all the things in can make, favorite being mustaches on a stick. I tried making DIY beauty stuff, that was filled with success and failure. Basically, I gave a shit about myself. And none of this would have happened with my ex-boyfriend around. He would have held me back and I deserve better than that. So do you.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I now have a super fantastic boyfriend because I dumped that shitty one. Because when you stay with someone who isn’t right for you the only thing you accomplish is preventing yourself from meeting someone who is truly right for you. Celebrate your break-ups for what they are,  proof that you and your partner are just not gonna work. Move on and move up. Raise the bar and make that next partner truly spectacular. But remember to get a little sexy make-out from strangers in between 😉

Really?!?!?!?!?!

14 Sep

I am the second oldest of five kids (2 girls, 3boys, in that order) When we were kids we had an old ford station wagon that was the size of a freaking media room. Only with wheels and gross ashtrays that housed uneaten food (and at least once vomit) instead of cigarette butts. I could write a whole blog post on how I can’t even fathom trying to handle 5 kids in a car let only use that vehicle to take them places. But that’s not our story for today.

My memory remembers the day as a fall day. I feel like all players were wearing jackets. On this day mom packed us into the station wagon and we went to the mall which was kind of a special thing. The family went to a lot of discount stores but rarely the actual fancy-smancy mall. I’m sure all 5 kids were excited. I know I was, as a kid I loved the fountains in shopping malls but I was always seriously bummed that I couldn’t swim in them. Stupid rules.

So we did our thing at the mall and it was uneventful. We head to the wagon and I am strapped into the front seat with one of my brothers. Remember this was the 80s when you could strap (or not) you kids in the car anyway you damn well pleased. Once we are all secured in the car mom gets in. Right then a car comes down our row and notices we are leaving and stops to let us out. Problem is we are in a giant car and the driver intending to take our spot is leaving enough room for a ford escort to back out.

This dufus just sits there and so my mom can’t back out and this stalemate happens for at least long enough for the driver of the car parked next to us to return to their car. The neighboring car is blocked in by the Dufus mobile so he backs up for them to come out. The whole time my mom is just sitting there cause she can’t get out.

And then shit got weird. Dufus pulls his car in next to us, gets out and presses his middle finger wavin hand up against the passanger window of the car. I hear this thud and a middle finger is staring at me through the glass next to some d-bags scary anger face. REALLY?!?!?!?! What kind of asshole do you have to be to rage like that on station wagon full of kids?? Fine. He was pissed but it was his own damn fault and common decency should have prevented him from flippin the bird at confused children.

Now my mom is no delicate wallflower so she didn’t take that shit like a lady. Mom immediately backs out and rolls down her window and screams out at him. I can’t remember the exact quote but the gist was that he must have a small dick if he needs to accost a lady and her 5 kids to feel tough. ZING!!!!! Score 1 for mom on the badass parenting scoreboard.

And for anyone who may think my mom acted inappropriately…SUCK IT!!!! The world is full of jerks and you can’t ignore them all and you shouldn’t. Sometimes standing up for yourself means acting like a jerk. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Nugget of Awesomeness: People like Dufus really do exist in the world. That may make you sad but I find it comforting. No matter how shitty of a person I have ever been I have never terrorized a carload of children. Meaning I am a better person than at least a small portion of the population. Yay!!! But seriously people, try to let common decency have some sway in your life. And too that asshole who flipped us off, mom was right, your actions scream “small penis.” Think about that next time you go wavin around that middle finger.

This shit is hard

7 Sep

Not that I hold must stock in what movies tell me about love but I am not so stoopid as to ignore that pop culture formed my thinkings on all things romantic. And that bullshit lied and totally under sold what love is.

I may have grown up in a time when romantic movies were a little more realistic but they still had the 3rd act conflict followed by the grand gesture with the couple living happily ever after. They still lied. Even my dear and sacred P-Swayze pulled that shit in Dirty Dancing, even though he did with a dancer’s grace and a superb mullet.

So, love should be hard? WRONG!!!! So love should hurt you before it makes you feel good?? NEIN!!!! So love should involve a grand gesture?? NOPE!!!! So this hard-earned love should last forever?? INCORRECT!!! So this love should be perfect?? NO FUCKING WAY!!! So love should involve a montage of the two of you laughing at parks??? FUCK NO!!!!

You want to be a sad-bastard in life??? Then start expecting impossible things from your relationship or judging it by outside factors. You’ll be miserable before you can drunkenly finish this sentence to your friends, “I know he loves me and makes me happy but it’s time for him to propose to me or I’m going to have to move on.” Yay, that’s some impeccable logic you got there.

There is nothing in life that brutalizes the soul so much as trying to make life/love/sex/relationships/job/fun/body etc. fit nicely into what is expected. It’s a lot of time wasted on living up to expectations that are forever changing and forever sucky.

The “shoulds” are the slow poisoning of a relationship. Cause once you start them they multiply and ever “should” that isn’t met grows bigger everyday till it reaches infinity. Otherwise know as total relationship meltdown. And once you reach a critical mass of “should” you stop seeing any of the positive of your partner which leads to them living up to YOUR expectations. If you are going to think them lazy/jerkish/unfocused/smelly no matter what then why bother trying to improve.

Nugget of Awesomeness: When your romance starts disappointing you ask yourself these questions. Does it make me happy? If you can answer that with a yes then move to —>Why am I so upset? If the answer to this question involves any of the following statements “It’s time he/she…” “He/she is supposed to…” “None of my friends have to deal with…” or anything that implies a set of standards not your own then move to —> Is this shit really that serious?? My guess is, probably not. Remember you have plenty of time to drive each other crazy and inevitably will so why not effin enjoy the god part. You ungrateful son of a fuck stick.

Extra Nugget of Awesomeness: Be realistic about your partner. We all have faults, you included, and it is in everyone’s best interest to be forgiving sometimes. One of the smartest pieces of relationship advice I have ever heard is “pick your battles.” So instead of yelling at my bf for his bad habit of  leaving his clothes everywhere I let it go. The clothes aren’t hurting anyone and I’d rather they be on the floor than be angry all the time. It’s one of his faults and I except it. In essence it’s not about letting him off the hook or letting anything go it’s about freeing myself from unnecessary angst.

Taking back the moral high ground

31 Aug

We’ve reach that point in the presidential election process were women’s collective baby makers get a lot more attention that usual. Don’t get me wrong, what I do with my vagina is always a topic in the news but it just gets more popular around this time. But after Todd Akin’s bullshit about legitimate rape I find it disgusting  that the RNC still laid out there platforms which includes no exception for abortion in the case of incest or rape. 

Hey fuckfaces. Does it strike you as odd that we have a more comprehensive national dialogue about whether or not a woman can have an abortion after being raped (or what constitutes rape) than we have a dialogue about preventing rape. Why aren’t we discussing ways as a culture we can prevent the climate that makes rape so prevalent. Or expanding access to counseling for rape victims. Or creating a legal system that doesn’t further victimize them when they attempt to get justice. Oh right, because the idea of a baby trumps the existence of a woman. 

Because the moral high ground is easier to control when you call the other side baby killers. It’s easier to achieve when you speak for someone who can not contradict you. Having a dialogue about rape would mean being educated on the subject, forming an intelligent opinion and standing by it for less than biblical reasons. 

And there in the problem. It’s easier to claim the moral high ground when speaking of  innocent babies while praising god and throwing in some “amen.” It’s a self-righteous smoke screen. And if you call bullshit then you are religiously intolerant. Well….I’m calling BULLSHIT.

(Sidebar: Having the majority of your political platforms based on what you were told by the bible is lazy politics. Try thinking of something original to dictate your policy.)

I’ve decided to take the moral high ground back. So If you base most of your political career on denying women’s right to autonomy and denying  gay people the right to marry, while staunchly defending guns rights with no restriction. Then you DON’T get the moral high ground. When you are so greedy you can’t ask for the top 10% to pay their fair share of taxes during troubled economic times but would repeal heath-care legislation that would provide needed services to millions of Americans. Then you DON”T get the moral high ground. When your platform is so weak that you have to create voter requirements that disproportional limit access to the voting constituents of your oppositions. Then you DONT get the moral high ground. 

And if I have to feel slut shamed everyday of my life for merely having a vagina then you don’t get to claim to be my moral superior. 

Nugget of Awesomeness: If your politics is merely religion, fear-mongering and distortions wrapped in a flag and emblazoned with In God We Trust then you no longer get to have the moral high ground. You wanna know why? Cause you don’t do anything, not anything helpful. Not anything that’s useful to me or most people I know. You deny and limit when you have the ability to help. So I am putting you on notice, fucking do something. Something of real value, something that helps and not because anyone told you to but because it’s the right thing to do. Is that so GOD DAMN hard!!!

Also, keep your laws off my body.

Comprende?

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