Tag Archives: Buffonery

Homemade Truck Nuts

25 May

A certainty in my life is that faced with a moron at the bar I will fuck with them. Partially out of meanness, partially out of curiosity. I like to see how far the stupidity extends, just how far I can take it.

A couple of years ago, in a now infamous case of me fucking with stupid, my friend received homemade truck nuts for her birthday. If you are unfamiliar with Truck Nuts here is a wonderful Wikipedia article for you. Basically, it is something you put on your truck to make it look like it has testicles. These particular homemade truck nuts were two apples in an old sock with a hole in it. Classy.

After pitchers of delicious margaritas a group of us descended on a local boozery and sat on the patio. The homemade trucks nuts got the attention of a young boozehound and fun ensued. I am hazy on the particulars and I encourage anyone who was there to comment on the things I missed. Here is what happened as I remember it.

Boozehound (who told us his name was Whitney) bit at the apples through the obvoiusly dirty sock thus proving to me that he was either a moron or very drunk, either way, he was a prime target for being fucked with. I tell Whitney he should teabag himself with the Truck nuts which he proceeds to do, thumping himself in the forehead with them. I can’t be sure of this but the teabagging seemed to go on for more time than it should have. Meaning he should have been hitting himself in the forehead with apples in a sock for no longer than 60seconds. My rough estimate For the time of these shenanigans is 20 min. 

Somewhere in this process I ran into the bar and hit my friend in the forehead with the truck nuts and tried hitting Whitney (on the butt I think) with them and broke a glass and spilled beer on myself. This may have ended the fiasco but I’m not sure.

Anyhoo, the real climax to this dance of the drunken buffoon is when I decided to up the danger level. Somewhere in the tragedy and legend making of the homemade truck nuts night I told whitney that if he was really serious he would hit himself in the face with the truck nuts till he bled. In my defense, I never thought he would do it. To my horror, he starts walloping himself in the face as hard as he could with the apple filled sock. It didn’t take long for me to tell him to stop because that kind of self brutality is only funny in theory, in reality its uncomfortable and kind of sad.

It seemed to me that things got awkward after that and Whitney parted from our group. Or we may have left to go watch the movie Up and eat pizza, who can be sure of these things. All I know is that for the next year if I went to that bar someone (either patron or employee) remember that night.  It’s not everyday you see a grown-ass man hitting himself as hard as he can in the face with a holey sock of apples. That will sear itself into your brain.

Nugget of Awesomeness: I can’t help it!!!! If you prove to me you are gullible and I am a little drunkie-poo then bad things will happen, on your end. I blame it on being an older sibling, I am preprogrammed to exploit weakness for my own sick pleasure. Regardless, if you are stupid enough to attempt to bloody your own face cause I ask you to then life is going to be hard for you all around. Best of luck, dummy.

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