Tag Archives: Turd

Where’s my second base??

20 Apr

 

Insert perverted tickle-me-elmo joke here.

 

Baseball metaphors are popular when dealing with sex, first and home are agreed upon, first base is kissing and home base is fuckey time. Some definitions say second base is under or over the shirt and third base is hands down the pants. Others consider second base to be groping of any sort and third base is sex of the oral variety. For the sake of my argument I will be using the first definition cause it supports what I’m going to say

 My question is….”Where’s my second base?” As a straight lady the chances I’m going to fondle some male tittay and get a positive response are slim. Don’t get me wrong, some dudes are totally into that but they are a small percentage and it’s not generally a good idea to pull that trick out to early.

But if you are just starting to get seksi with a boy you’re options, as a lady, to progress the situation are as follows. Kissing to wang touching. That is a giant leap to me. Boys get a nice middle ground with the boob grab but we have to go straight to the danger zone. Cause we all know that when junk is touched it creates a more critical sexual situation. And in my experience, once you grab wang sex is expected.

Sure they’ll say it’s cool if you decide you don’t want to or aren’t ready yet but in their mind they are thinking “Damn, why would you touch it if you weren’t ready to fuck.” True story.

And before anyone throws out oral sex as an option I’d like to point out that putting a weiner in my mouth is not the same as grabbin a boob. They are not the same level, sexually. And I like to not have my first encounter with a dudes spam javelin to be closely staring at its veiny underside. I’m prudish like that.

 I want something to do to a man that is the equivalent of playing with a ladies funbags. I want some sexual base indicator that lets a dude know I’m into him but he’s not getting the sexy-time but is also more than just making-out.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Per the usual, I want some more options. I ask a lot of the world in this blog but that’s cause I’m selfish. But really, is there some middle ground for ladies??? Is there something that men like that can come after kissing but before unzipping the pants??? I’m no prude but sometimes I want to slow it down a bit and feel like I have no options. Sometimes I’d like to leave the wang out of the equation……..hmmm, don’t see that working for the men folk.

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Why you’ll never be able to marry a goat.

19 Jul

If these turds can be married then we can't keep calling the institution "sacred."

How often do you hear this statement against Gay Marriage, “If we allow gay marriage what’s next, people marrying animals or marrying children.” Let’s look past the obvious and disgusting comparison of Homosexuality to actual mental instability issues such as Bestiality and Pedophilia and focus on the reason that legally these issues are not the same.

The reason is the issue of consent, namely that we do not allow children or animals to consent to marriage because they lack the ability to understand what they are entering into, by our legal standards. Now, with two consenting adults be they gay, straight, bi, transgendered or asexual, you have two people fully aware of the consequences and obligations of what they are doing.

Glad we got that all cleared up, with no help from the American media who should have called bullshit on this statement the first time it was every uttered. But really this statement was always meant to confuse the issue and equate gayness with perversion.

Now that we all know this argument is bullshit, you freakshow, uber-conservative, religious fucktards need to stop using it. If you had a good argument against gay marriage (and by good I mean evidentiary based, not biblically based) you would make it and not throw out these red herrings.

Nugget of Awesomeness: A marriage certificate is a social contract, and there is no legal reason to deny two consenting adults the right to have one, no matter how much your bible says otherwise. You wanna fight about gay marriage in your church, go nuts, but when it comes to fighting the state you got nothing to go on. But I suspect you already knew that.

In poor taste….

8 Jul

 

Yeah, this picture is in poor taste but it’s no worse than the freakshow, media frenzy and preoccupation with this case.

Every couple of years the American media and public becomes enthralled with some mom who killed her baby (usually a white lady with an adorable white baby) or some dude who killed his pregnant wife (also white and generally affluent).

The court case gets turned into some perverted Maury Povich episode and every semi-scandalous piece of information is feed to the masses so they can get their fix of the “shock and disgust” look they so love to feign.

Here’s the deal, sometimes mothers kill their children and sometimes husband kill their pregnant wifes. Why? Does it really matter? It happens and is unexplainable and unchangeable.

So let’s stop focusing out energies on makin celebrities out of young mothers who end up with dead children and pay some attention to the other things going on in the country. You know, the other things that may have some actual relevance in your life.

What happened may be appalling but it’s made no less appalling by everyone salivating over ever piece of dirt they can get their hands on.

We use this book for guidance?

14 Jun

This is perfectly hilarious example of why the Bible should not be used for guidance when it comes to marriage and people’s right to the “sacred institution.” If this is supposed to be the word of God then he is a total perv, which kinda makes sense if you look at the world we live in.

I don’t know, CAN you?

25 May

How is your day, you look great and cute. I would like to know you. Can I?

Of course you “can”, it is entirely with in your abilities to get to know a person. I believe you wanted this to be a question so it should have read “May I?”

To that I say, no. The phrase “you look great and cute” is not something you say to an adult female, that is something you say to your dog or your 3 year-old niece.

Nugget of Awesomeness: Cute is for stuffed animals not for ladies. Tell a girl she beautiful, sexy, or, shit I would take bangable over cute. If you want to have an adult relationship you might want to start with an adult vocabulary.

After School Special: St. P-Swayze Style

19 May

As my friend John always say, Facebook kills. That’s his way of pointing out that you have to be careful about what you say and who you friend on the FB. Recently I was friended by my ex-boyfriend from when I was 15, only at that age can you count a guy you dated for 2 1/2 weeks as a “boyfriend.” We’ll call this exbf, Duder. Sorry, I just couldn’t think of anything better.

Duder and I dated when I was 15 and still a virgin, I had decided to wait until I was 16 before I had sex because if you were mature enough to drive a car you were mature enough to have sex. Duder was not a virgin and didn’t seem to jazzed about waiting the 9 months I still had to go till my sweet sixteen. He was always trying to get me to sexual places I wasn’t comfortable with, which at the time, was anything more than make-out or over the shirt groping. We played the Hand-Job tug of war a lot, he would push my hand down, I would push it back up.

One of these Hand-Job tug of war sessions happened after we had been going out for 2 weeks and I was already thinking we weren’t going to work out. It was saturday night and we were in a friends basement drunk on 40s, everyone had coupled up for their make-out so me and Duder were sharing a bed on the floor with another couple. He begins the hand job attack by moving quickly to try and get my hands down his pants before I know what he’s done, this never works but he always tried it. We proceed with the tug of war for about 5 minutes when he looks at me and says in a very condescending, annoyed tone “I hope you’re worth the wait.”

That was the exact moment I decided I would be dumping him and it still tops the list of the most monumentally stoopid things a man has ever said to me. I have mentioned before how I hate, hate, hate to be pressure into anything, so this approached was doomed from the start. But this was the mid 90’s and sex ed was all about empowering girls to demand respect, especially about sexual decisions. Every article I ever read about sex told me that if he was pressuring you then he was a dick and you should break-up with him. Which is exactly what I did, 4 days later.

But the real thing that bothered me about the whole incident, is not so much that I wasn’t into him anymore or that he was pressuring me into sex or that he was the worst kisser in recorded history, it was the fact that this asshole had the nerve to get shitty with me about not wanting to give him a hand job in a roomful of drunken teenagers. For St. P-Swayzes Sake!! There was another couple literally inches away from us.

To recap: I was drunk on 40s, lying in a mattress on the floor with no sheets making out with my doucher boyfriend who was pressuring me even with another couple right next to us. Classy!! In this after school special the valuable lesson you learn is: Get drunk, don’t put out, then break-up with the dude days later, over the phone. I don’t know if that is the smartest move but it worked for me. You’re welcome.

I’m Not That Type of Girl

17 May

 

I'm THIS type of WOMAN!!!!

About 9 months ago I was involved in a road rage incident, the abridged version of the story is this:

The driver of another car failed to yield my right of way in a turn-around in a public park and would have hit me if I hadn’t slammed on the brakes, I laid on the horn because the driver was on the phone and seemed to be unaware he had done anything wrong. I drove up the street a little ways and parked to meet a friend for jogging. The guy driving the car followed me and as I was getting out of the car he pulled up behind me, blocked me in, then proceeded to act like I was being rude for honking at him. After trying to explain what the guy had done wrong and getting nowhere but yelled at I told the guy maybe he should learn how to drive. Then this 6 ft tall, muscular dude got out of his car to, as he put it, “put me in my place.”

Dude walked up to me and stood 6 inches from my face but I stood my ground, did not move or flinch, stared him in the eyes the whole time and told him if he put his hands on me I would have him arrested. He eventually walked back to his car and was about to get in when he said “fuck you!” so I said “fuck you too!” He got back out of his car and approached me again, this time closer to my face and with his arm raised to hit me and he just kept repeating “say fuck you to me again.” I’m not stupid, so I didn’t say it but I did say “Do you feel good about this? I’m half your size, does it make you feel good to do this?” This shamed him into getting back into is car and leaving, not before I got his license plate to give to the police. Yes, I filed a police report. No, they never caught him.

The surprising thing is the reactions people had to the incident, specifically men’s reactions. Don’t get me wrong, most people, guy or lady, were supportive and sympathized with me but I got some, well, sexist reactions from men. There was a lot of “you shouldn’t have gotten out of you car”, “you should have just driven to the police station”, “you shouldn’t have instigated” or my personal favorite that I might be at fault for the incident because I honked at the dude.

Let’s ignore the fact that I was already out of the car when the dude pulled up or that driving to the police station was impossible because my car was blocked in, I want to talk about the idea that it was my fault somehow. NO!!! It was not my fault, this man drove dangerous, almost hit my car and then decided to be belligerent and threaten me physically, everything I did was in defense of that. I was merely defending myself. Did I do it in a lady like manner, absolutely not. And that should not change whose fault it was.

And the idea that I would cower in fear in my car is laughable. Anyone who knows me should know that’s not an option, I meet challenges head-on, that’s how I roll. This is not a bad thing, and probably would have been applauded if I had a penis instead of a vagina. Try imagining a man in my circumstance being told to hide in the car, yah, you can’t cause it wouldn’t happen. We accept that men will defend themselves in dangerous circumstances but for women we expect them to seek help or shelter but why? Why wouldn’t women defend themselves?

It made me really sick to think that I had been through something like this and was being blamed for it by some of my male peers because I failed to play my role as the “woman” appropriately. I guess I was supposed to flee into my car, calling the police in tears to make the bad man go away.

To all that disagree with how I handled myself I have this to say:

You will get no apologizes from me cause I am not sorry for anything I did. When confronted and cornered I will defend myself in the best way possible, which I think I did in this incident. The incident was not my fault and I will take no part of the blame. If you don’t like how I handled myself then you can FUCK OFF!!!!!

P.S. Please eat a big bag of shit for trying to blame me for what happened.

 

 

 

 

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