I once competed for the title of Sausage Queen. My talent was shoving a beer in my cleavage, hands free pouring it into a glass and then chugging the beer. A female friend motor-boated my dewy, beer boobs as a finale. Some how I lost the competition. Humanity FAIL.
When I see a Book of the Month sign my inner monologues sings ♪ It’s the book of the month ♪ to the tune of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “First of the Month.”
As everyone is aware, I don’t understand the big deal about getting married, but I will admit that was an adult decision I made. When I was younger I had the same thoughts about my perfect wedding day that all (or at least) most girls had. I would dream of my fancy dress, the doctor I would be marrying and how perfect it would all be. My special day that would be the most perfectest and extravagant day since ever.
I think I realized that my childhood dream wedding was never going to happened at the same time I realized that I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I was pregnant and it wasn’t a total accident. Once I formed my adult self I just couldn’t reconcile these dreams of marriage and babies from my youth. I have trouble with “normal” and in my early 20s I began to accept that.
Now I’m 33 with a great boyfriend so the topic of marriage comes up frequently. Well, it comes up as a serious topic frequently. Not like it used to be when I would say shit like “If I got married my bridesmaids would have water guns instead of flowers and they would shoot the guest as they walked down the aisle.” This is not something I said 10 years ago this is something I said in the last year. MATURITY!!!!!!!!
So I try to seriously think about marriage. I can see it happening now, I really love my dude and us being together for eva doesn’t sound so bad. The catch is when I start to think about the actual wedding day. First of all, white dress? Don’t think so, not my color and I spill beverages on my clothes all the time so it wouldn’t make it 20 minutes without being ruined. Wear fancy shoes? I can’t walk in them and I don’t think the “happiest day of my life” really needs me falling on my face. Church? Out of the question. Walking down the aisle with just my dad? I’m gonna need both my parents involved.
This snowballs into the wheres, whens, whys, and whats that make my head spin. Knowing that ultimately I will have to say no to a billion things because I don’t want what most people want out of a wedding. I’m not sure I’m up for it.
But the really big thing that takes a big dump on any dreams of getting married is the cost. Did you know the national average for the cost of a wedding is $27,000?!?!?!!? I can think of better way to spend that kind of money. What’s that? Go low budget and only spend $5,000 you say. Why would I spend 5 grand on 1 day when I could take a kick ass honeymoon for that money? And that brings me to my point.
I think there is a conspiracy to convince little girls that a wedding has to be perfect and cost a bunch of money. Cause if you hadn’t been told your whole life to spare no expense for 1 fucking day you would find the idea of it idiotic. Brainwashing I tell you!!!!! This constant litany of “you have to have your dream princess wedding or your life is incomplete” that sits in the back of your mind until the reality of marriage comes around. This thought stuck there over and over in your childhood makes you yearn to throw wads of cash at shiny things and make this your one fucking day of AWESOMENESS.
It’s a good thing our culture starts working on us young about weddings. If you didn’t, logic would prevent us from wasting all that money.
Nugget of Awesomeness: Dear Fancy Wedding, It’s never going to happen so you should surrender the fantasy. You seem cool and all, and a bunch of people like you, but I’m just not that into you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to just go through the motions because it would be unsatisfying for everyone. I wish you well but no thanks. Just so you don’t hear it from anyone else, I choose Fancy Honeymoon over you. Sorry, we just have more in common. Best of luck (even though you don’t need it), P-Swayze is my copilot.
Side note: If you want a fancy wedding, more power to ya. I support whatever makes you feel good.